Pop culture icon and son of God, Jesus Christ, has announced he will be suing the bible for slander after an increase in people being “tools” in his name.
Speaking from heaven, Jesus told the Sydney Sentinel “I didn’t even know the gronks who wrote the thing.”
“It’s time I publish my own bible to share what I actually said and did,” he said. “And I won’t cut costs by using that bullshit wafer-thin paper.”
Jesus admits he made mistakes, citing when he turned water into wine.
“I just wanted people to like me,” said Jesus. “If I turned water into sparkling water nobody would have given a shit. But then everyone got so sledgehammered they made stuff up.”
Jesus hopes that by writing the bible himself, people will find peace within themselves, and everybody else his dad created.
People who ride side-by-side on elevators, blocking those stuck behind them, can expect to be spear tackled by fellow commuters from today, following new rules announced by City of Sydney officials.
The move comes after years of research from the University of Bankstown discovered that escalator blockers – along with taxi drivers and Lycra cyclists – were among the most likely to promote feelings of murder in inconvenienced Sydney-siders.
An NRL spokesperson welcomed the new rules, noting that they were a great way to get people fired up ahead of the new season.
“This is just another example of the kind of important life lessons we can all learn from the world’s greatest sport,” he said.
The pregnant, elderly and others incapable of performing a spear tackle will be given special privileges to simply shoot offenders in the face.
A 37-year-old former prop who played three games professionally before retiring when medics pronounced him a cripple has been found alive and well in his studio apartment in Penrith, in a discovery that has stunned the rugby league world.
The man credited his survival to an “unusual ability to follow instructions”, noting that after spending months on the “good painkillers” for the mishap that left him crippled, he simply stopped taking them when doctors advised him to do so.
“Everyone I knew was shocked I stop chewing the oxy, let alone using any ‘leagies’ little helpers’ like meth, codeine, LSD, benzos, heroin, MDMA, weed, cocaine, GHB, krokodil, or disco tablets,” he said. “I didn’t even get stuck into the pokies – that one really blows the King Gees off people!”
The former prop said he felt “lucky” to have lived to see his thirties, adding that if he could make it to 40, or even just a few more months, he’d be happier than Joey swinging his jaw on a Monday morning.
Following the positive reaction to Ruben Wiki’s acceptance into the NRL Nines tournament, the National Rugby League board is drafting an emergency change to the 2017 season requiring all clubs to field a retired player in each game.
Players have welcomed the move, with retired star John Hopoate among the first to put his hand up. “I’ve been thumbing around for a few years now without much to do, but if the Seagulls want me, I’ll make a fist of it,” he said.
“Wests have already been in touch,” former Blues warhorse Tommy Raudonikis said between tinnies. “I can’t wait to bring back the biff – these inked-up roid monsters won’t know what’s hit them.”
Another prominent league legend said the move would be as good for him and his peers as it would for the game.
“I can’t wait to gain a few groupies back and hit The Cross after games,” he said. “My wag has become a bit of a sag in recent times. Let’s make league great again.”
Plans to convince veteran players the halftime syringe is simply a vitamin C shot to replace the oranges and beers they used to enjoy are yet to be finalised.