A Clovelly man is in danger of missing his daily run along the coastal path to Bondi this morning after realising he had “nothing to wear”, even though his closet was packed full of designer workout gear, joggers made by NASA and colour-coordinated drink bottles.
The man said he “just wasn’t feeling” any of his outfits.
“Nothing truly expressed my positively carefree yet dangerously focused running mood or went well with this morning’s lighting conditions,” the man said. “Naturally, everyone would be watching me, so I couldn’t just chuck any old thing on. One unflattering Aquabumps snap could set me back years of dedicated training.”
The man said if his emergency order from The Iconic doesn’t arrive, he will make up for today’s lack of training by spending an extra hour in the solarium and taking twice as many photos at Icebergs this afternoon than usual.
A Sydney man last night rewarded himself with 30 full-strength schooners and a chicken parmigiana with chips, no salad, at his local pub after completing an eight-minute run.
“Doing my first bit of exercise since colour comp at school 14 years ago felt so great I would’ve done it again today if I didn’t have a steaming hangover,” the man said. “The feel-good endorphins from the run made me feel like I had dumped Mother Nature’s pinger. I can really see myself becoming a bit of a fitness freak.”
The man’s partner said he had become rather annoying.
“Since completing his one run, he refers to himself as an athlete and even bought himself some fluorescent runners and compression tights,” she said. “He also claims I ‘don’t understand the lifestyle’ even though I’ve been working out for five years.”
Although the man reported putting on two kilograms after his run and pub session, he has assured everyone it’s all muscle gain.
A city jogger has exclusively told the Sydney Sentinel and everybody else he barges into that he is far more important than regular pedestrians, and so is his tiny running backpack.
“I’d put my status up there with a footpath cyclist,” said the runner and keen banker. “Even if you’re in the right, you’ll be in the wrong if you get in my way.”
The runner said he and other members of his running club, “The Gravy Train”, had no problem shoulder charging women, children and “retards” who get in their way.
“You better make your way to the other side of the footpath quick smart if you see a group of us elites on a lunchtime power session, Sunny Jim,” he said, sucking back an energy gel before throwing the wrapper on the ground. “You don’t want a combined $746 billion a year to come crashing down on you.”
The runner shoulder charged our reporter, knocking him to the ground, then tisked loudly and ran across the street against the lights, slapping a schoolgirl’s bum as he passed.
Checkpoints will be set up at the entrances to the popular coastal walk between Bondi to Coogee this weekend in a bid to weed out ugly people, sweaty runners and others who might ruin perfect selfie opportunities for beautiful people.
Chloe, a 22-year-old Tamarama local who describes herself as an “entrepreneur/model/beauty blogger”, will be responsible for policing the Bondi entrance to the walk on weekends.
“I’ve worked on the door at all of Sydney’s best clubs, so I really know the sorts of things to look out for,” she said in response to questions about her qualifications for the role. “If a woman isn’t wearing at least one Lululemon item and carrying a turmeric latte, it’s unlikely I’ll let her in.”
India, 19, whose LinkedIn profile describes her as an “entrepreneur/model/DJ”, will be stationed at the Coogee entrance. She described the job as “a fat-free cake walk”.
“The process of natural selection and rise of cheap injectables mean there aren’t a lot of ugly people in the eastern suburbs anyway,” she said, adding that she would simply be pointing “undesirables” towards the less-crowded Coogee to Maroubra walk.