Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families.
“Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them, if you’re on the naughty list, you’re lucky to get a firm backhander,” a professor of Christmas at Penrith University said. “It just goes to show, kids who come from poorer families must simply be naughty and have low morals.”
One rich kid who received an iPhone X, a couple of Bitcoins and a Sale of the Century diamond stick pin said Santa mustn’t be able to see behind the dunnies at school.
“I spent all year skipping class and punching snow cones behind the gents, so I’ve got no idea how I got such a big haul,” he said. “Maybe there’s some sort of Santa pedo clause that stops him keeping an eye on children around bathrooms and such.”
Government officials have advised children from poorer families to pull their socks up, if they own any, and try not to be such terrible people in 2018.
Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today.
“We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we can remember,” the statement reads. “Some people complain because they think we’re mixing up packages by accident, but we also get a lot of happy customers who love the surprises they receive.”
The statement describes how one man who’d been expecting a book from his mum called 12 steps to living drug-free was delighted when he instead received a box of MDMA from the dark web.
“This man is just one of many winners,” the statement says. “We make a list of deliveries and check it twice, then we burn it and just send the parcels wherever we feel like taking them. Another thing we love to do is send Christmas presents out a few months late. Everyone gets presents on December 25 so it’s a lot more special and unexpected to instead get them in June.”
Santa Claus has been labelled as highly offensive for choosing to be a white heterosexual male, with furious protest groups demanding him to be banned immediately.
“We’ve put up with this macho Santa garbage since the third century,” one person with crippling offended pains said. “We’ve gone to great lengths to ensure that the non-denominational December celebration formerly known as Christmas doesn’t offend anyone, then he shows up and ruins everything by being a man.”
Several protestors began tearing down statues of Santa in their local shopping centre.
“These statues celebrate a man who gifts children based on their gender,” one protestor said. “His catchphrase, ‘ho ho ho’, shows how little respect he has for women.”
One shopping centre is planning to solve the problem by creating a Voltron-like version of Santa formed with five individuals of different genders, races, religious beliefs, disabilities and sizes.
A state of emergency has been declared in New South Wales as riots reach their third day in Newtown after a young girl was gifted a doll from Santa Clause this Christmas.
The violent protests began shortly after Christmas morning when the girl’s parents watched in horror as their daughter gleefully ripped open the gift they said proved “Santa is a sexist pig. His beard isn’t even ironic, he’s a dated religious throwback that needs to go”.
“I spat my kale eggnog all over our free-range Christmas tree when I saw the doll,” the shocked mother said. “We’ve gently shamed our daughter away from liking things that come naturally to her, and Santa has just undone all our organic parenting.”
A NSW Police spokesperson has warned people to stay away from Newtown, stating that “if it goes for another day we may have to start cutting Centrelink payments”.
Father Christmas is in violation of lockout laws and will be shot out of the sky if spotted near Sydney, NSW premier Mike Baird has said, describing the Australian tradition of leaving an alcoholic beverage out for Santa on Christmas Eve as “extremely problematic”.
“By leaving a slab of beer or a carton of Jägerbombs out for Santa in exchange for the presents he leaves, people are turning their homes into licensed premises,” Baird said. “So, unless Santa comes in the afternoon, or drops all the gifts off at the casino, I’m afraid he won’t be welcome in Sydney this year.”
Parents across Sydney have been told to warn their children in advance, with a NSW government spokesperson advising parents to ease the trauma by telling small children “Santa isn’t real” or that he died.
With Santas arriving in shopping centres months before Christmas, major retailers across NSW are planning to ensure they never leave.
“Santa is a closer,” one retailer said. “Having him in-store year-round will really put the pressure on shoppers to perform at their best every month.”
The NSW Department of Commerce has backed the move, noting that Christmas in July had gained traction in recent years.
“Why not go all in by also having Christmas in January, February, March, April, May, June, August, September, October and November?” a statement reads. “Add Santas to this idea and you’ve got a world-first retail innovation that has the potential to save bricks-and-mortar stores.”
The reaction from Santas has been mixed.
“I do this for the children,” one Santa said. “So if I can find time between my Cub Scout and priesthood duties, I’m in.”
Others described the move as “greedy” and “sad”, noting that the move was “turning Christmas into some kind of commercialised money grab”.