Sydney Cafes Outdo Melbourne Cafe’s “Sircharge” for Men by Charging Everyone Extra

CAFE

Sydney cafe owners have dismissed a Melbourne cafe’s bid to address the gender pay gap by charging men an additional 18 per cent as a “stunt”, noting that true equality means ripping off everyone equally.

“We’ve always insisted on charging everyone as much as possible,” one Sydney cafe owner said. “But to prove just how dedicated to equality we are, we’ll now be demanding all our customers pay an additional 18 per cent.”

Cafe owners in Canberra have also waded into the debate, saying that the city would avoid taking a real stand and maintain its reputation for being the perfect middle ground by charging customers a 9.5 per cent increase.

Joe Hockey has chimed in with a solution that echoes his advice for young people struggling to enter the property market.

“This whole situation could’ve been avoided if women would just get jobs that pay more,” he said.

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Sydney Man Plans 10th Career Change this Month

Career cahnge

A Sydney man is busy planning his 10th career change this month in an effort to find a job that fulfills him. The man, who has worked in 190 different industries since last year, said none of his jobs have been as rewarding as being on the dole or begging on the streets.

“I don’t want a job that feels like work,” the man said. “If I have to spend eight hours in the office doing an hour of work every day, I want to be able to enjoy what I do.”

The man is not alone in his hunt to find a rewarding job.

“We haven’t been able to nominate an employee of the month for two years since nobody has stayed with us for an entire month,” a spokesperson for a major Sydney retailer said. “Young people need to understand that work is horrible and simply learn to use alcohol, opiates, benzos, and hallucinogens as coping mechanisms like the rest of us.”

The comments come as a report revealed an alarming number of Sydney-siders are using a loophole to skip the workforce completely by becoming lifelong students and living with their parents forever.

Sydney Radio Stations to Replace Hosts with Canned Laughter

RADIO

Sydney’s commercial radio stations this morning have detailed plans to replace all on-air talent with pre-recorded canned laughter.

“Our hosts are the best in the business at laughing at nothing but times are tough for media and we’ve already gotten rid of all the journalists and fact checkers so the hosts were the next logical people to go,” a commercial radio spokesperson said.

“It was also a medical issue. It’s a little-known fact that hosts often need to sticky tape their faces back together after fake laughing so long.”

A research company who conducted blind tests for the new approach said listeners couldn’t tell the difference between the current hosts and canned laughter.

“Sometimes the audience even preferred the canned laughter, as it was more believable,” a researcher said.

The Sydney Sentinel couldn’t find anyone that actually listened to commercial radio to comment.

Unattractive Blokes Converting to Hipsterism to Distract from their Ordinary Looks

Hipster

Ordinary-looking Sydney men are converting to hipsterism en masse after realising their odds of scoring a date are surprisingly increased by donning ironic football beanies and wooden glasses and growing bum-fluff moustaches if they’re skinny or full beards if they’re larger.

“Ugly is the new handsome,” one recent convert said. “Before I converted to hipsterism, I couldn’t score a hug in a brothel, but now I’m killing it!”

Another convert said being ugly on his own terms was empowering, but hard work.

“The carefully careless look can take up to eight hours some mornings,” the man said. “But luckily I don’t have a job, and the local dive bar doesn’t do a roll call.”

Regular good-looking hipsters haven’t been happy with the amount of attention their unfortunate-looking brethren have been receiving.

“It’s become impossible to compete with these guys,” one attractive hipster said. “I may have to take a few face plants off the skateboard I’ve never used to compete with these guys.”

Man Forgets He’s not at Work and Pisses All Over Home Toilet

piss

A Sydney man this morning has had an embarrassing blunder after he pissed all over his home toilet seat, floor, hand towel, roof, vanity mirror and a bit out the window after forgetting he wasn’t at work.

“I was on autopilot ­– or maybe it was auto fire,” the man said. “I simply forgot where I was and proceeded to make an absolute mockery of my home toilet as if I was at work. It was lucky I didn’t go all out and unleash an upper decker on myself.”

The woman the man brought home the night before said she wouldn’t be returning.

“I thought he was having a shower by the sound of it all,” she said. “But instead of a towel and a fresh coat of deodorant, the man returned to the bedroom with urine-beaded track pants and a dripping chin. It was time to call the morning a night and leave.”

The gentleman has told the Sydney Sentinel that he’ll be closing the bathroom door and using the toilet at the servo for the weekend while things “naturally dry out, hopefully”.

“Doing Lines” Means Different Things at Public and Private Schools, Study Finds

LINES BLACKBOARD

Government funding for private schools is being reassessed this week after a new study revealed teachers have been giving students lines of coke rather than asking them to write out lines in books, a classic punishment used in public schools.

Private school teachers have defended their actions, saying that it was an “easy mistake to make”, especially after a few shots of gin at little lunch.

“When the principal told me to give out lines to students who misbehave, I never dreamed she meant asking them to write things repeatedly – that would’ve just required students to copy and paste a sentence on their new MacBook Pros, and I can’t see the point of that,” one teacher said.

“Doing lines of coke, on the other hand, really helps some students to sharpen their focus and prepares them for the real world, where they’ll need to be able to network with other private school graduates at exclusive clubs and parties.”

Public schools have expressed some sympathy for the misunderstanding, with gym teachers noting they faced similar criticisms after giving ice to students with sprains.

Man knocks off work early to celebrate avoiding doing any work at work all week

LAZY WORK

A Sydney man has decided to call stumps on the working week early today to pat himself on the back for managing to go a whole week at work without doing any work.

The man said that he’s physically and mentally exhausted from doing such a good job of doing nothing, that he’ll need to consume the entire national recommendation of 400 standard drinks or so this afternoon to take the edge off.

“Sometimes it feels like it would have been easier to do the work I was meant to do,” the man told The Sydney Sentinel. “But achieving nothing is much more rewarding.”

The man said he has to carefully plan out his days early lining up comedy podcasts, scheduling long toilet breaks in advance and even taking up smoking to fill the time.

“Everybody knows that the weekend voids all work that was meant to be done the week before,” the man said. “If you can make it to Friday you’re golden. As then you can delay stuff to Monday – where technically the work week resets – so the work you were meant to do expires.”

The man added that he might even need to take an allocated sick day on Monday to recover fully.