Proud Parents Make it through End-of-year School Assembly without Drugs or Alcohol

Proud

The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.

“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”

The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.

“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.

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Deadset Legend Brings a Handball to Work

HighBounce

A Sydney man has been labelled an “absolute fucking legend” for bringing his Spalding High-Bounce Handball into work this week.

Both players and spectators said that introducing Australia’s favourite school-ground game into the corporate world was nothing short of trouser shattering.

“It’s up there with putting my pay cheque through the pokies on a Friday lunch break,” one man said. “We’re going to double dump some Ritalin tomorrow to truly relive those magical school years.”

Management has also applauded the game.

“People are not only getting to the office on time, but they’re rocking up three hours early to play the game before work,” one human resource manager said. “Although, one woman lost the top of her fingers unleashing a devastating 800-kay-per-hour skimmer.”

Play is sadly on hold for the rest of the day as the ball was lost after some idiot hit a full into the bushes during a death match.

Local Man Butchers Unexpected Tricky Words while Reading Children’s Book Out Loud

reading

A Sydney man has had his self-confidence shattered after discovering he couldn’t pronounce about 50 words in a children’s picture book he was reading aloud at his girlfriend’s family gathering.

After bombing a dozen or so challenging words, the man said he simply began replacing them with something easier or skipped the stumpers completely.

“I thought I’d get some bonus points with my girlfriend for reading the kid’s a book, but it backfired big time, with one dodgy-looking uncle asking if I was retarded and some four-year-old genius encouraging me to try sounding the big words out,” he said.

The man is not alone, according to the Reading Writing Hotline, which receives hundreds of calls from distressed aunties, uncles and other folks who take an L when attempting to read a picture book to children at a social gathering.

“Most young adults haven’t read anything more than the odd TAB guide since leaving school,” a spokesperson for the Reading Writing Hotline said. “We recommend they stick to more practical ways of impressing kids, like starting a game of cricket or getting blind drunk.”

NSW Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

DOOR OPEN

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

Pauline Hanson Discovers Topic More Controversial than Race

ANGRY

One Nation senator Pauline Hanson has expressed relief today after discovering her call for autistic children to be removed from classrooms was met with widespread outrage.

“I thought I was losing my touch,” she said. “Comments about race just don’t get that kind of reaction anymore, so it’s reassuring to know people still get fired up about children with disabilities.”

Experts have described Hanson as “the ultimate barometer” for Australian opinion.

“Nothing gives a more accurate read on what people really care about,” one political forecaster said. “The leaked tapes about the party plane have been quickly forgotten about, but I predict she’s onto a real winner with the disabled children.”

Kids Now Allergic to Water

Bubbler

Bubblers have been turned off in schools across Australia and parents have been told not to pack water in their kids’ school bags following a rash of instant yet painful playground deaths attributed to allergic reactions to the world’s second-most popular form of hydration after vodka.

“Children used to have mild allergies to things like peanuts and pet hair, but these days almost all foods, drinks and things in general can cause anaphylactic shock,” a school principal said. “We think it has something to do with children having everything handed to them on a silver platter with diamonds these days.”

Parents of children with water allergies have slammed schools, the government and Mother Nature for not doing enough to protect victims from the “ubiquitous and deadly liquid”.

“From the oceans to the rain to the pipes that pump it right into our homes, water is everywhere and it’s just not good enough,” one mother said, adding that normal everyday tasks had become difficult. “We have to squirt our son with hand sanitiser every morning as his sensitive body would die in a regular shower and he hasn’t been able to consume a drink for seven months while we wait for test results, so he’s extremely thirsty.”

Researchers from the CSIRO have warned parents that children could soon be allergic to non-designer clothes, activities that don’t involve screens, and catching pubic transport to school.

Ceramics a Surprise hit for Students at Randwick High

CERAMICS

Ceramics classes has become the surprise hit for students at Randwick High, with 100% of students opting to take the elective class, and of that 100% all were awarded perfect attendance records, which is something that hasn’t been done since Blue Lagoon was one of the films studied intensively for English and biology.

“We thought they would treat it as joke,” said head ceramics teacher Mr Rimmer. “But the results have been incredible. Creativity is a major problem however, as every student has made what they call a vase. Some have called it a watering can but they all look the same to me.”

Randwick High headmaster isn’t so thrilled with the new subject, claiming that as soon as they’ve completed their water vase or can they tend to give up on every other subject completely.

“The tuck shop is loving it though,” said the headmaster. “It seems to be all our students are interested in these days once they’re finished with their ceramics projects, with record sales for pies and sausage rolls,” said the headmaster.

“At least the money raised from the tuck shop is going towards a good cause, as the staff room desperately needs more Xanax so teachers can handle a full day of teaching students who often bully teachers into early retirement when they’re just a few weeks out of uni.”

A department of education spokesperson isn’t sold on the new curriculum, saying “It’s obvious to anyone that works in a government position that what they’re making isn’t a water vase, yet a ceramic version of the timeless Gatorade saxophone.”