Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families.
“Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them, if you’re on the naughty list, you’re lucky to get a firm backhander,” a professor of Christmas at Penrith University said. “It just goes to show, kids who come from poorer families must simply be naughty and have low morals.”
One rich kid who received an iPhone Xs, a couple of Bitcoins and a Sale of the Century diamond stick pin said Santa mustn’t be able to see behind the dunnies at school.
“I spent all year skipping class and punching snow cones behind the gents, so I’ve got no idea how I got such a big haul,” he said. “Maybe there’s some sort of Santa pedo clause that stops him keeping an eye on children around bathrooms and such.”
Government officials have advised children from poorer families to pull their socks up, if they own any, and try not to be such terrible people in 2019.
The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”
The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.
“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.
A Sydney man has been labelled an “absolute fucking legend” for bringing his Spalding High-Bounce Handball into work this week.
Both players and spectators said that introducing Australia’s favourite school-ground game into the corporate world was nothing short of trouser shattering.
“It’s up there with putting my pay cheque through the pokies on a Friday lunch break,” one man said. “We’re going to double dump some Ritalin tomorrow to truly relive those magical school years.”
Management has also applauded the game.
“People are not only getting to the office on time, but they’re rocking up three hours early to play the game before work,” one human resource manager said. “Although, one woman lost the top of her fingers unleashing a devastating 800-kay-per-hour skimmer.”
Play is sadly on hold for the rest of the day as the ball was lost after some idiot hit a full into the bushes during a death match.
A Sydney man has had his self-confidence shattered after discovering he couldn’t pronounce about 50 words in a children’s picture book he was reading aloud at his girlfriend’s family gathering.
After bombing a dozen or so challenging words, the man said he simply began replacing them with something easier or skipped the stumpers completely.
“I thought I’d get some bonus points with my girlfriend for reading the kid’s a book, but it backfired big time, with one dodgy-looking uncle asking if I was retarded and some four-year-old genius encouraging me to try sounding the big words out,” he said.
The man is not alone, according to the Reading Writing Hotline, which receives hundreds of calls from distressed aunties, uncles and other folks who take an L when attempting to read a picture book to children at a social gathering.
“Most young adults haven’t read anything more than the odd TAB guide since leaving school,” a spokesperson for the Reading Writing Hotline said. “We recommend they stick to more practical ways of impressing kids, like starting a game of cricket or getting blind drunk.”
Bubblers have been turned off in schools across Australia and parents have been told not to pack water in their kids’ school bags following a rash of instant yet painful playground deaths attributed to allergic reactions to the world’s second-most popular form of hydration after vodka.
“Children used to have mild allergies to things like peanuts and pet hair, but these days almost all foods, drinks and things in general can cause anaphylactic shock,” a school principal said. “We think it has something to do with children having everything handed to them on a silver platter with diamonds these days.”
Parents of children with water allergies have slammed schools, the government and Mother Nature for not doing enough to protect victims from the “ubiquitous and deadly liquid”.
“From the oceans to the rain to the pipes that pump it right into our homes, water is everywhere and it’s just not good enough,” one mother said, adding that normal everyday tasks had become difficult. “We have to squirt our son with hand sanitiser every morning as his sensitive body would die in a regular shower and he hasn’t been able to consume a drink for seven months while we wait for test results, so he’s extremely thirsty.”
Researchers from the CSIRO have warned parents that children could soon be allergic to non-designer clothes, activities that don’t involve screens, and catching pubic transport to school.