A Sydney man who invited a woman to Netflix and chill last night said the evening was ruined when his date interrupted the viewing session with a binge sex marathon.
“I hardly got to watch any Netflix and the evening certainly wasn’t chill,” the man said. “We were joining Russel on one of his ‘All Aussie Adventures’ when my female friend removed my trousers and I missed the rest of the episode.”
The man is not the only one to have had an innocent evening ruined by intercourse.
“The last guy who invited me to Netflix and chill opened the door wearing just an erection,” one women said. “I later discovered he didn’t even own a TV.”
The federal minister for sexual relations said he had been unaware of the scam but now understood why his teenaged children never accepted his invitations to Netflix and chill.
A Sydney man who told his girlfriend of seven years he wouldn’t marry her until gay people enjoyed equal rights is desperately searching for a back-up plan after polls suggested the yes vote is likely to win.
“It was the perfect excuse – it was simple, it worked, and it made me look like I had morals or something,” the man said. “But it looks like my get-out-of-jail-free card will be torn up when the vote is announced on Wednesday. My girlfriend’s even dropping hints saying what a great day it would be for all couples to propose. Unfortunately, it might be time for me to hit the road.”
The man is not alone, with one woman telling The Sydney Sentinel she had to vote no to protect her own freedom from marriage.
“Yeah, I used the whole ‘not until everyone can get married’ line as well,” she said. “Even though I do support gay marriage, I don’t support having to get married myself, so it’s a no from me.”
The cost of the same-sex marriage postal vote, which was originally estimated to cost tax payers $122m, has more than doubled to $250m, after the government decided to throw a postal sausage sizzle into the mix.
“We realised that the vote wouldn’t be legally binding in Australia without a sausage sizzle,” a government spokesperson said. “So, we will be sending every person enrolled to vote a snag folded inside buttered white bread with sauce and onions.”
The move has been welcomed despite the cost, with many noting that a sausage sanga is usually the only good that comes of voting.
“This is the least they could do to thank the public for making a decision they too scared to make in parliament,” one voter said. “Although, knowing Australia Post, I bet my snag will be colder than a witch’s tit.”
A 12-year-old gamer from Sydney has slept with the mum of every other gamer he has faced in the online shooter, Call of Duty.
It’s reported that the player, FlangeMan69, has racked up more than 15,000 kills, 900 captures of an enemy flag and more than 700,000 victories with gamers’ mums from around the world.
“It was emotionally disturbing to discover this sort of thing when trying to relax with a video game after a hard day of unemployment,” one Chatswood gamer said. “I didn’t believe him at first, but my worst fears were confirmed when my mum admitted over a Sunday Beef Wellington that FlangeMan69’s boasts were indeed real. Even the acts that didn’t seem possible for the human body.”
FlangeMan69’s skills also extend to identifying a player’s sexual orientation.
“I was trying to show my dad how to play Call of Duty, then FlangeMan69 flat out told everyone I was gay,” the exposed man said. “Luckily, the moment wasn’t awkward for long, as FlangeMan69 soon called out my dad too, so we had something in common for the first time in years. We actually put down the game and hit a sauna.”
Mums across Sydney have been urged by the game’s developer to have a frank conversation with their children before they get a chance to play FlangeMan69 online.
Older women need to be less uptight and more physically and morally flexible to compete with younger women sexually, according to social media influencers who have begun offering unsolicited sex advice to women aged over 25.
“My sister turned 26 recently so I’m around older women all the time now and it pretty quickly became clear most of them have sexual hang-ups that younger women like me simply don’t have,” Chloe, a 22-year-old blogger/model/sex expert, said. “Most of them haven’t even done Facebook Live sex streams, had seven-way interspecies anal, or allowed their partner to hogtie them during a casual barbecue with the boys. It just breaks my heart.”
Chloe, who is best known for her nude selfies, is one of a growing number of millennials offering free sex counselling and tuition for “sad, repressed and frigid older women” online.
The move has received enthusiastic government backing from an all-male panel of experts on women’s sexuality, which noted that “while we have not traditionally sought the opinion of young women when it comes to matters of national importance, it’s clear that, in this case at least, we cannot afford to ignore them”.
Progressive post-rock band We Lost the Sea is tonight set to perform live at the Newtown Social Club in Sydney, in a move the music industry has described as “novel and brave”
“There’s a reason ‘rock ‘n’ roll’ comes last in the biblical saying ‘sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll’,” the band’s manager said. “But rock is all about rebelling and tonight, we’re putting the music first.”
Band members said they were relaxed about the upcoming gig, despite not having touched their instruments since a promotional photo shoot three years ago.
“Tuning a guitar can’t be as hard as tuning a hot girl, so I think we’ll be okay,” the bass player said.
The Newtown shows is set to be the band’s second last Australian appearance before beginning a European tour where the manager says they “might also play a few gigs”.
One of the band’s three guitarists has left the band in protest of the sex break.
One Sydney office worker was furious today after wasting his lunch break getting an actual Thai massage at a Thai massage parlour.
“She suddenly said I was done, but I was far from finished!” the man said. “She massaged every part of my body except the one part that was standing to attention.”
The man said he plans to warn others about his misfortune by writing a damning review on the internet.
A NSW Fair Trade ombudsman said an investigation was underway.
“I’m appalled by the actions of this so-called parlour,” he said. “The good news is that, for once, local, state and federal government all agree action needs to be taken immediately.”