Australia Post Claims Wrongly Delivered Mail Result of Nationwide Secret Santa Program


Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today.

“We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we can remember,” the statement reads. “Some people complain because they think we’re mixing up packages by accident, but we also get a lot of happy customers who love the surprises they receive.”

The statement describes how one man who’d been expecting a book from his mum called 12 steps to living drug-free was delighted when he instead received a box of MDMA from the dark web.

“This man is just one of many winners,” the statement says. “We make a list of deliveries and check it twice, then we burn it and just send the parcels wherever we feel like taking them. Another thing we love to do is send Christmas presents out a few months late. Everyone gets presents on December 25 so it’s a lot more special and unexpected to instead get them in June.”

Sydney Man’s Arms Torn Off as he Refuses to use Trolley for Big Shop


A Sydney man has lost both his arms after they were torn clean from his shoulders in his local supermarket when he refused to use a trolley for a larger-than-usual shop.

The man said he knew he was testing gravity when he added a two-litre bottle of chocolate milk to his already-heavy basket, but insisted that losing his arms was a small price to pay to protect his trendy supermarket image.

“Basket users have the highest street cred in the supermarket, that’s a fact,” the man said. “If I switch to a trolley I’m basically telling everyone I’ve given up on life and will be spending my evenings smashing frozen pizzas and Neapolitan ice cream.”

This isn’t the first time a shopper has lost his arms after refusing to use a trolley for a large shop, a supermarket spokesperson said.

“It’s opened up a whole new business for us selling prosthetic arms,” she said. “We couldn’t be happier.”

Man Misses Chicken Tonight Dinner as JB Hi-Fi bag Search Enters Fifth Hour

bag search

A Sydney man is tonight missing out on his favourite dinner, Chicken Tonight, as a routine bag search at his local JB Hi-Fi enters its fifth hour.

“I’d forgotten I was wearing a backpack when I walked into the store and by the time I realised, it was already too late,” the man said. “So, I had a look around at some DVDs and the latest Nintendo Amiibo my wife won’t allow me to buy, then I tried my best to look calm and collected as I walked out. But the bloke at the door asked to see inside my backpack and I’ve been here ever since. I even had to drop my trousers.”

The man’s wife told The Sydney Sentinel she knew something was wrong when he hadn’t come home by 7pm.

“He always skips his fourteenth beer at the pub and comes straight home when he knows I’m frying up the Chicken Tonight,” she said. “I’ve covered his dinner in foil and put it in the oven to keep warm but the man I spoke to at the store said he wouldn’t be home until they’d completed a colonoscopy, so I’m worried the chicken is going to dry out.”

This is not the first time the man has missed important life events due to an extensive bag search at his favourite store.

“Yeah, I should really know better than to go into one of these stores with any kind of bags, pockets or clothing,” the man said. “I missed the birth and first three months of my first child’s life after walking into one with a bag from another store.”

Retailers Push to Have Santa In-Store All Year

With Santas arriving in shopping centres months before Christmas, major retailers across NSW are planning to ensure they never leave.

“Santa is a closer,” one retailer said. “Having him in-store year-round will really put the pressure on shoppers to perform at their best every month.”

The NSW Department of Commerce has backed the move, noting that Christmas in July had gained traction in recent years.

“Why not go all in by also having Christmas in January, February, March, April, May, June, August, September, October and November?” a statement reads. “Add Santas to this idea and you’ve got a world-first retail innovation that has the potential to save bricks-and-mortar stores.”

The reaction from Santas has been mixed.

“I do this for the children,” one Santa said. “So if I can find time between my Cub Scout and priesthood duties, I’m in.”

Others described the move as “greedy” and “sad”, noting that the move was “turning Christmas into some kind of commercialised money grab”.