Chemists are taking advantage of today’s spike in Christmas-party hangovers by charging dull-eyed customers up to $300 for a single tablet of Berocca.
One office worker who has yet to go to bed after enjoying “a few beers” at his Christmas party, which began yesterday morning and continued on into the afternoon, evening and then morning again, said he was being exploited by his local pharmacy.
“They’re the worst type of drug dealers,” the bloody-nosed man said. “But with my only other option being cutting my head off to dull the pain, I had to pay up.”
Another office workers who overdid things by a Penrith mile said he refused to pay his legal drug dealer for the mild relief.
“I’m just going to keep drinking and never stop,” he said. “That way I’ll never have a hangover again.”
Shares in Berocca tablets are set to rival the rise of cryptocurrency Bitcoin, according to early reports.
Dr Google is being recognised as the world’s most efficient medical professional, after figures were revealed indicating it has diagnosed more cases of cancer than all other doctors combined.
Patients, who have been diagnosed with various types of cancer after researching symptoms such as a mild headache, unwanted erection or hangover, say conventional doctors just can’t keep up.
One man, whose Dr Google diagnosis came nine years before any other doctors spotted signs of anything wrong, described the search engine as “a marvel of modern medicine”.
“I was just trying to look up the method for boiling an egg when Dr Google told me I had cancer,” he said. “I’ve been trying to convince other doctors ever since and no one would listen to me, but they’ve finally just spotted a suspicious-looking tumour in my left nut, so who’s laughing now?”
People diagnosed with cancer by Dr Google have been advised that the best treatment method is posting a brave yet raunchy photo of yourself along with 1 like = 1 prayer on Facebook.
A Sydney man has wasted his sick day today feeling bad about taking the sickie in which he planned in advance with well-timed coughs in front of his boss yesterday afternoon.
“I started to get anxious about it around 9:04 this morning,” the man said. “Instead of simply enjoying having the house all to myself and masturbating in rooms that are usually off limits, I ended up just pacing around the joint in a state of paranoia.”
What’s worse, he added, is that this isn’t the first time it’s happened.
“I actually got an ulcer from all the worry last time I took a sickie. Next time I’ll make sure I have some Valium handy so I can actually feel well enough to enjoy my sick day.”
The man has said that he will likely be forced to take a day of stress leave tomorrow to get over the ordeal.