95% of People Not Sure if we Lost or Gained Sleep for Daylight Savings


An overwhelming number of Sydney-siders are completely stumped about whether they lost or gained sleep when daylight savings ended this morning, a NASA study has revealed.

One Sydney man said he used the confusion to his advantage.

“Due to my phone’s clock changing automatically overnight, my body clock was confused, and I had no idea what time it ‘really’ was,” said the man. “I just told myself that 9am today time is probably more like 5pm or so yesterday time, so I took myself to the pub for a few schooners to help adjust.”

Other people chose to ignore the issue for now.

“Look, I’m not even going to worry about it today,” one woman said. “I’ll keep it up my sleeve and use daylight savings as an excuse to be four hours late to work on Tuesday.”

Daylight savings has been cited as the number-one reason for people waking up feeling horrible today, despite the fact that many have eaten nothing but pingers since knocking off work for the long weekend on Thursday afternoon.

Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

Lying-Down Desks Set to Outsell Standing Desks


Thousands of Sydney office workers have opted to skip the standing-desk craze and go straight for a lying-down desk in mid 2018, citing numerous physical and mental health benefits.

“I get chronic boredom pains at work,” one Sydney man said. “This way I can tackle the problem by simply going to sleep between 9am and 5pm.”

Orthopaedic experts have welcomed the move, describing the comfortable new working solution as a “game changer”.

“Sitting is the new smoking,” one expert said. “Sitting down at work keeps the body and mind awake, which leads to stress, anxiety and depression. The biggest killer at work is being conscious, and a lying-down desk solves this problem completely.”

Positive results have emerged from trials of the lying-down desk within top NSW government positions over the past 10 years.