Australia Post Claims Wrongly Delivered Mail Result of Nationwide Secret Santa Program

AusPostXmas

Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today.

“We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we can remember,” the statement reads. “Some people complain because they think we’re mixing up packages by accident, but we also get a lot of happy customers who love the surprises they receive.”

The statement describes how one man who’d been expecting a book from his mum called 12 steps to living drug-free was delighted when he instead received a box of MDMA from the dark web.

“This man is just one of many winners,” the statement says. “We make a list of deliveries and check it twice, then we burn it and just send the parcels wherever we feel like taking them. Another thing we love to do is send Christmas presents out a few months late. Everyone gets presents on December 25 so it’s a lot more special and unexpected to instead get them in June.”

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Government Claims Slow NBN is Deliberate Tactic to Discourage Screen Time

KidTablet

The NBN network was designed to be slow and unreliable as part of a world-first initiative to minimise kids’ screen time, according to a statement released by the Australian government today amid criticisms of the service.

“It was our plan all along,” an NBN spokesperson said. “If the internet is so slow it’s unusable, kids will put down their screens and get outside to roam the streets, hurt animals or join a neighbourhood gang – all the good old-fashioned stuff kids used to do.”

While parent groups have admitted excessive screen time is a major issue, many remained unconvinced about the government’s solution.

“All this has done has transformed our children from mild-mannered, semi-conscious beings that are rarely seen and never heard, to energetic little things that are constantly hassling their guardians to take them somewhere or provide them with food,” said a representative. “No parent signed up for that!”

Representatives for people who aren’t children have also pointed out that the government’s plan may not have been completely thought through.

“I enjoy spending my downtime on the internet, but I also need it for work,” one confirmed grown-up said. “Just kidding. I use it for porn, just like everyone else, but now I’ve been forced to go back to magazines and I was sad to learn that classics such as Nuts and Ralph have disappeared, along with the newsagencies that sold them.”

One internet service provider is building a massive Ethernet cable that will run from Japan to Australia and allow people to bypass the NBN.