Sydney-based activist group White Activists for People of Colour has described the annual Black Friday shopping event as “racist”, claiming that it implies black people can only afford to buy goods when they’re on sale.
“We were so excited to find something new to be offended by on other people’s behalf,” one activist said. “We’ve planned a peaceful riot this afternoon and promise no flag will be left unburned until everyone thinks the way we do.”
Another group member also claimed the event should not have assumed the day’s unit of time as Friday.
“How can we know for sure that this particular moment of the rotation of the earth’s axis wants to identify itself as ‘Friday’?” the spokesperson said.
The whole event has been claimed as one of the greatest discoveries of offensiveness this decade.
The left has made a dramatic shift in who they support in the same-sex marriage plebiscite today, after a poll revealed that no voters are a minority group, which automatically qualifies them for complete backing from the left.
A spokesperson for the left said determining who to champion and who to destroy is fluid and changes daily.
“There are many times a minority group doesn’t completely think the way we want them to and things get tricky,” the spokesperson said. “For groups we both love and hate at the same time we split things into shifts and burn down their houses in the morning, then create a GetUp! fundraiser in the afternoon to help them rebuild from the awful destruction we caused.”
One gay man who will actually be affected by the outcome said it’s fucked.
“People have turned a basic and easy question into a brain-meltingly complex decision, that’s almost as hard as choosing a favourite between ‘Stone Cold Steve Austin’ or ‘The Rock’,” he said.
An Erskineville local wearing several “Love is Love” badges on her cloth backpack, in fact hates everybody, it has been confirmed today.
One gay man said the woman recently responded to a friendly head nod from him with a swift headbutt.
“She said I wasn’t gay enough because I wasn’t writing ‘yes’ on the ground with chalk at that very moment,” the man said. “She ranted that I was only a very small step above a death-deserving cis-male.”
An Aboriginal man said she wasn’t a fan of him either, despite the fact she was wearing an Aboriginal flag T-shirt.
“She told me I was a race traitor as I was eating a white-bread sandwich,” the man said. “She also demanded I thanked her for repeatedly acknowledging me as the traditional landowner before everything she said.”
The woman said she was so angry with the world because she was born white, privileged and heterosexual, and the only thing that gives her any hope is that she wasn’t born a man.
A state of emergency has been declared in New South Wales as riots reach their second day in Newtown after a young girl was gifted a doll from Santa Clause this Christmas.
The violent protests began shortly after Christmas morning when the girl’s parents watched in horror as their daughter gleefully ripped open the gift they said proved “Santa is a sexist pig. His beard isn’t even ironic, he’s a dated religious throwback that needs to go”.
“I spat my kale eggnog all over our free-range Christmas tree when I saw the doll,” the shocked mother said. “We’ve gently shamed our daughter away from liking things that come naturally to her, and Santa has just undone all our organic parenting.”
A NSW Police spokesperson has warned people to stay away from Newtown, stating that “if it goes for another day we may have to start cutting Centrelink payments”.