A 37-year-old former prop who played three games professionally before retiring when medics pronounced him a cripple has been found alive and well in his studio apartment in Penrith, in a discovery that has stunned the rugby league world.
The man credited his survival to an “unusual ability to follow instructions”, noting that after spending months on the “good painkillers” for the mishap that left him crippled, he simply stopped taking them when doctors advised him to do so.
“Everyone I knew was shocked I stop chewing the oxy, let alone using any ‘leagies’ little helpers’ like meth, codeine, LSD, benzos, heroin, MDMA, weed, cocaine, GHB, krokodil, or disco tablets,” he said. “I didn’t even get stuck into the pokies – that one really blows the King Gees off people!”
The former prop said he felt “lucky” to have lived to see his thirties, adding that if he could make it to 40, or even just a few more months, he’d be happier than Joey swinging his jaw on a Monday morning.
Following the positive reaction to Ruben Wiki’s acceptance into the NRL Nines tournament, the National Rugby League board is drafting an emergency change to the 2017 season requiring all clubs to field a retired player in each game.
Players have welcomed the move, with retired star John Hopoate among the first to put his hand up. “I’ve been thumbing around for a few years now without much to do, but if the Seagulls want me, I’ll make a fist of it,” he said.
“Wests have already been in touch,” former Blues warhorse Tommy Raudonikis said between tinnies. “I can’t wait to bring back the biff – these inked-up roid monsters won’t know what’s hit them.”
Another prominent league legend said the move would be as good for him and his peers as it would for the game.
“I can’t wait to gain a few groupies back and hit The Cross after games,” he said. “My wag has become a bit of a sag in recent times. Let’s make league great again.”
Plans to convince veteran players the halftime syringe is simply a vitamin C shot to replace the oranges and beers they used to enjoy are yet to be finalised.
A father of three from Sydney is still at the wicket in a family game of backyard cricket that began on Christmas Day.
The man’s kids have fought through skin-crackling sunburn, life-threatening splinters from jumping the neighbours’ fence to retrieve the ball, and crude sledges about their mum, said the eldest son.
“He’s been smashing us across the backyard for three days now,” he said. “It’s been gruelling and he shows no sign of slowing down. I think the new Stubbies he got for Christmas have freed up his movement to make shots that border on sorcery.”
“It’s bloody annoying,” said the man’s wife. “He’s called Channel 9 to see if they’d like to televise the game.”
“He keeps calling me a poof,” said the youngest son. “My boyfriend is finding it really uncomfortable.”
The kids plan on kneecapping their dad if the game continues for another day.