New Personal Training Service Where Trainers do the Workout for You

Fitness4U

A service launched in Sydney today allows “time-poor” clients to relax while personal trainers work out on their behalf.

The new service, called Fitness 4 U, is designed for busy Sydneysiders who’d rather be drinking at work, drinking at the pub, or drinking at home than exercise.

One of the first members of the service said it’s up there with having porn on your phone in terms of game changingness.

“This way I can tell myself I’m going to exercise today, not exercise today, but then still feel good about it as someone else did it for me,” the man said. “I haven’t noticed any physical gains, but my conscience has improved dramatically now I don’t have to feel bad about not exercising.”

The membership also comes with a backpack that you can take with you absolutely everywhere to make those not exercising feel bad about themselves.

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Friends Relieved as Regular Junkie Becomes Steroid-taking Gym Junkie

RoidMaster

A Sydney banker has become the pin-up boy for white-collar-style addiction recovery after switching from heroin to more socially accepted drugs.

“We were all so worried when he was shooting up loser drugs like heroin and we’re so impressed he’s turned his life around like this,” one colleague said. “Now he only injects steroids into his bum before his gruelling daily workouts, snorts a few lines of coke on the weekend and smokes the occasional ice pipe like the rest of us.”

The man said that apart from suffering occasional roid rage episodes – which have caused him to glass a man’s testicles, revenge rape the postman and slam dunk a baby – he was much happier and more energetic than he had been for a long time.

“It feels great to have an addiction that’s celebrated in sport and popular culture,” he said. “Now when people see me they’re all impressed and go ‘damn boi, you on the juice?’, and I can proudly say ‘yes’, then knock them out for looking at me funny.”