A Sydney banker has become the pin-up boy for white-collar-style addiction recovery after switching from heroin to more socially accepted drugs.
“We were all so worried when he was shooting up loser drugs like heroin and we’re so impressed he’s turned his life around like this,” one colleague said. “Now he only injects steroids into his bum before his gruelling daily workouts, snorts a few lines of coke on the weekend and smokes the occasional ice pipe like the rest of us.”
The man said that apart from suffering occasional roid rage episodes – which have caused him to glass a man’s testicles, revenge rape the postman and slam dunk a baby – he was much happier and more energetic than he had been for a long time.
“It feels great to have an addiction that’s celebrated in sport and popular culture,” he said. “Now when people see me they’re all impressed and go ‘damn boi, you on the juice?’, and I can proudly say ‘yes’, then knock them out for looking at me funny.”
Checkpoints will be set up at the entrances to the popular coastal walk between Bondi to Coogee this weekend in a bid to weed out ugly people, sweaty runners and others who might ruin perfect selfie opportunities for beautiful people.
Chloe, a 22-year-old Tamarama local who describes herself as an “entrepreneur/model/beauty blogger”, will be responsible for policing the Bondi entrance to the walk on weekends.
“I’ve worked on the door at all of Sydney’s best clubs, so I really know the sorts of things to look out for,” she said in response to questions about her qualifications for the role. “If a woman isn’t wearing at least one Lululemon item and carrying a turmeric latte, it’s unlikely I’ll let her in.”
India, 19, whose LinkedIn profile describes her as an “entrepreneur/model/DJ”, will be stationed at the Coogee entrance. She described the job as “a fat-free cake walk”.
“The process of natural selection and rise of cheap injectables mean there aren’t a lot of ugly people in the eastern suburbs anyway,” she said, adding that she would simply be pointing “undesirables” towards the less-crowded Coogee to Maroubra walk.