Man Who Bought Distant Relative Instant Scratchie Hoping he Doesn’t Win

SCRATCH STRESS

A Sydney man who thoughtlessly stuffed a few scratchies into a birthday card to give to a distant relative during Christmas lunch is now really hoping the recipient doesn’t win anything more than $2.

“I’d be fucking spewing if he wins anything good,” the man said. “To think all that cash could’ve been mine, but I gave it away to some bloke I don’t even like. I’m feeling a blood clot forming in my brain from all the worry.”

The man is not alone in feeling the stress of seeing someone he barely cares about win big off a scratchie that could’ve been his.

“I had Christmas spoiled completely one year when my lazy Secret Santa gift resulted in a $10,000 win for the giftee,” one woman said. “And to make things worse, the winner was willing to share, but I simply couldn’t break the sacred bond of secrecy that makes Secret Santa the great tradition it is.”

Insisting her mistake need not be repeated, she recommends the man at the centre of the anxiety storm rips open the envelope and scratches the scratchies himself ‘“just in case”, and gets the distant relative a truckie’s two-piece feed consisting of a pie and a porno from the servo instead.

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Man Wastes Sickie Feeling Anxious About Taking Sickie

SickieMan

A Sydney man has wasted his sick day today feeling bad about taking the sickie in which he planned in advance with well-timed coughs in front of his boss yesterday afternoon.

“I started to get anxious about it around 9:04 this morning,” the man said. “Instead of simply enjoying having the house all to myself and masturbating in rooms that are usually off limits, I ended up just pacing around the joint in a state of paranoia.”

What’s worse, he added, is that this isn’t the first time it’s happened.

“I actually got an ulcer from all the worry last time I took a sickie. Next time I’ll make sure I have some Valium handy so I can actually feel well enough to enjoy my sick day.”

The man has said that he will likely be forced to take a day of stress leave tomorrow to get over the ordeal.