Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

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Toenail Clipper Shortage as Men Gear Up for Yearly Trim

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Toenail clippers have sold out across NSW as men begin their yearly trim for the summer thong season. The shortage has seen the price of clippers rise to a record high of $3.95 in some Sydney supermarkets, forcing thousands of men to wear closed-toe shoes until the price stabilises.

Dedicated thong wearers are biting the bullet, however, with one Botany local saying he’d even invested in a set of double-strength clippers ahead of this year’s trim.

“I usually don’t stop cutting until I see blood, so I’m surprised how long they’ve gotten in just a year,” he said. “I could cut a sandwich with this one!”

Redfern electrician Peter Smith told the Sydney Sentinel skipping a year had proven costly for him.

“I took a year off as I didn’t want to come across as some fruity hipster,” he said. “But I won’t do that again as I just ended up tunnelling through all my socks.”

128 Drown While Lifeguards Busy Filming Bondi Rescue

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More than 100 people have died in a horror start to the summer beach season at Bondi, where lifeguards have been preoccupied with filming new episodes of Channel Ten’s Bondi Rescue.

“Unfortunately, not all rescues make for good TV and we have to prioritise those that do,” one Bondi lifeguard said. “If you plan on visiting our beach and you’re not a strong swimmer, make sure you’ve got a fit rig and a decent tan. We air at dinnertime, you know.”

A Waverley Council spokesperson has labelled the deaths as “unfortunate but unavoidable collateral damage in the name of entertainment”, noting that “an entire episode full of lifeguards rescuing people makes for dull viewing”.

“People want to know more about the lifeguards’ personal lives, or watch them hoon around on a beach buggy looking for a tidy bit of crumpet,” he said.