Sunday Drinkers Claim Hangover “Impossible” after Such a Nice Day


A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.

One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.

“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.

“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”

Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.


Boss Sends Text Reminding Everyone the Weekend is Almost Over


The boss of a medium-sized Sydney business has taken the opportunity to deepen his employees’ already dark Sunday sads by sending a group text message reminding them their weekend is drying up.

The deflating message read: Just a reminder your weekend is almost fineto and you’ll be back on my time tomorrow morning. I hope you didn’t waste your days off as I’m going to need you at 120% for the big week ahead. Do get an early night so you’re ready to go bright and early… and please leave what you did on the weekend at the door. Ta.

One employee described his boss as a massive dickhead.

“He’s a massive dickhead,” the man said. “Since he has no mates, family or even a good local hand-job hut, the man just stews at home all weekend hanging for Monday. He’s kind of like a werewolf, except he gets his powers from the fluorescent office lighting rather than the moon.”

Reports say at least two employees are planning to make a mockery of the office toilet tomorrow morning to show their displeasure.

City Dwellers Busted Selling Supermarket Produce at Sydney Farmers’ Markets


An undercover network of city dwellers has been caught flogging produce at some of Sydney’s most prestigious farmers’ markets, a special Sydney Sentinel investigation can reveal.

Market-goers became suspicious when one stall owner accidentally used plastic instead of paper bags and an “organic” baker was caught painting a hashtag over the “sun” in Sunblest to create Instagram’s must-have bakery accessory #blest.

Speaking exclusively to Sydney Sentinel, one stallholder, who declined to give his name or any identifying details other than the fact that he’s “a third-generation Mascot man”, admitted to being a non-farmer, but said it didn’t make the market circuit any easier.

“I have to get up really early to gather the finest produce from my local Woolies express,” he said. “I get the kids to kick the apples around in the backyard for a bit before we sell it, as a lot of those inner-city folks prefer a rustic look, then we all sit around the kitchen table to pick off the stickers together. It’s a real family business.”

Another stallholder, who lives in a studio apartment in Darlinghurst and claimed to have been posing as a carrot farmer from Orange for so long he sometimes forgot that he wasn’t, said he was surprised to have finally been caught, considering how underground (pun probably not intended) his business was.

“So long as you strike the right balance of rustic and sanitised – you know, maybe using some wooden crates as part of your display but making sure there’s no sign of any actual dirt – no one asks too many questions. The ‘farmer’ in markets is really just a meaningless brand buzzword anyway, like ‘fair’ in trade.”

Real growers are furious about the allegations, claiming it’s hard enough for a farmer to get a wife without all these hipsters blowing in.