Man Trapped in Health Food Store Overnight Forced to Eat Own Poo

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A Sydney man was forced to eat his own poo to make it through a night trapped inside a local health food emporium when staff locked the store up for the night without realising he was still inside.

The mishap occurred after the man rushed into the store to use the gender-neutral toilet and fell into an LSD-like trance on the stool pool thanks to the mystic incense burning within the restroom.

The man said he would have used the pub toilet like a normal person, but he didn’t feel like having the 50 or so guilt beers he was forced to down the last time a publican caught him popping in just to use the gents.
“When I came to after smelling colours and seeing sounds I’ve never tasted before, it was too late, and I was locked in the store with no phone charge,” the man said. “I tried to make it through the night with no food or water, but it was impossible. I had to do what anyone would do locked up in a place that only served loony health food, and dine on my own poo and wash it down with my own wee.”

The man said that unlike the way most odd foods are described, it certainly didn’t taste like chicken.

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Lefty Rooms Open to Allow Far Left to be Offended and Protest in Peace

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The NSW Government has today announced that it would open “lefty rooms” in the suburbs of Newtown and Surry Hills to give the far left a safe place to be offended by everything or conduct a protest in peace.

“The problem with many lefty protests is that people with opinions that differ from them show up, which often causes massacres,” a government spokesperson said. “This way they can preach that their opinion is correct without having any other opinions getting in the way.”

The vegan-friendly rooms will be fitted with dummies for the left to yell insults at and contain materials for creating angry signs.

The left has said the rooms are a lifesaver in a world where nearly every subject, idea and thing can cause offence.

If the lefty rooms are successful, the government said it plans to also to roll out extreme righty rooms where people with conservative opinions can conduct virtual-reality hate crimes.

Australian Hipsters Celebrate Thanksgiving as Christmas Becomes “Too Mainstream”

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One Surry Hills local who hasn’t left his home suburb since visiting Bondi to renew his Icebergs membership, is among a growing number of Australians planning to celebrate the American tradition of Thanksgiving this week.

“Everyone in Australia does Christmas – it’s so predictable,” the man said. “I’ve never been to America and I don’t know any Americans in person, but I only drink Pabst Blue Ribbon and I’m thankful for that, so it makes perfect sense I would celebrate this day with a free-range vegan turkey.”

The man’s planned festivities come less than a month after he ironically went trick-or-treating and just a month before Hanukkah, where he plans to “spin the dreidel all night long”.