A local swimmer today decided to skip his daily 100-metre swim session and get straight into walking about the pool change room with his doodle hanging out for a few hours.
The man said he may never get in the water again.
“My favourite part of training is walking about the change room completely nude after my swim, staring at everyone in the eye,” he said. “So today, I thought I’d cut the swimming part out completely and get straight down to business.”
The man is not alone in his love of getting his dong out after a few laps.
“I have a coffee, read the newspaper for a bit and strike up a few conversations with the squad kids in the gents before I even think about putting on some undies,” he said. “Those blokes who awkwardly get changed behind a towel should be banned.”
Several local councils have told The Sydney Sentinel they’re thinking of getting rid of the pool from their aquatic facilities altogether, to make way for additional change rooms.
A glorious Sydney day has forced thousands of people to leave the comfort and familiarity of their home because they feel like they have to.
“When I woke up with the sun in my eyes, I knew my day was ruined,” one Sydney local said, adding that he’d planned to share a day on the couch with a few schooners of whiskey and his “best mate”, PornHub.
“The last nice day we had on a weekend, my partner dragged me out to do the Bondi to Coogee walk, but this Chloe chick banned me so we had to walk to Maroubra instead,” he said.
Despite the man’s level-eight hangover, his partner has a full day of activities scheduled for him, including kayaking, snorkelling, water-skiing and hosting a BBQ for 80 people.
“I’ll have to decant a litre of vodka into a water bottle to have any chance of surviving this day,” the man said.
More than 100 people have died in a horror start to the summer beach season at Bondi, where lifeguards have been preoccupied with filming new episodes of Channel Ten’s Bondi Rescue.
“Unfortunately, not all rescues make for good TV and we have to prioritise those that do,” one Bondi lifeguard said. “If you plan on visiting our beach and you’re not a strong swimmer, make sure you’ve got a fit rig and a decent tan. We air at dinnertime, you know.”
A Waverley Council spokesperson has labelled the deaths as “unfortunate but unavoidable collateral damage in the name of entertainment”, noting that “an entire episode full of lifeguards rescuing people makes for dull viewing”.
“People want to know more about the lifeguards’ personal lives, or watch them hoon around on a beach buggy looking for a tidy bit of crumpet,” he said.