A Sydney man has declared war on global warming by putting his home, office and car air conditioners on full blast and promising to leave them on high for the entirety of spring and summer.
“Mother Nature is clearly dropping the ball with keeping the weather under control, so it’s up to us humans to fix things,” he said, adding that he was spurred into action after an unusually hot start to spring.
“From leaving the fridge doors open in the servo to wearing my hat backwards and chilling out instead of going to work and getting all hot under the collar, I’ve been doing everything I can to keep things cool, but I can’t do it alone. So, if it’s hot outside, chuck on your bloody air conditioner and crack open all the windows. It’s not rocket surgery.”
The man added that he will even be switching to cooling menthol cigarettes.
A Sydney man last night rewarded himself with 30 full-strength schooners and a chicken parmigiana with chips, no salad, at his local pub after completing an eight-minute run.
“Doing my first bit of exercise since colour comp at school 14 years ago felt so great I would’ve done it again today if I didn’t have a steaming hangover,” the man said. “The feel-good endorphins from the run made me feel like I had dumped Mother Nature’s pinger. I can really see myself becoming a bit of a fitness freak.”
The man’s partner said he had become rather annoying.
“Since completing his one run, he refers to himself as an athlete and even bought himself some fluorescent runners and compression tights,” she said. “He also claims I ‘don’t understand the lifestyle’ even though I’ve been working out for five years.”
Although the man reported putting on two kilograms after his run and pub session, he has assured everyone it’s all muscle gain.
The only good thing about sliding down an icy hill, eating strange animal parts and paying thousands for worthless rocks is that other people can’t afford to, some of Australia’s wealthiest people have admitted.
“Going to the beach is obviously a lot more fun than skiing, but anyone can afford to do that,” one rich kid said in an interview from his parent’s ski chalet. “I thought this charade was something everyone was in on – I mean, exclusivity is the only logical reason anyone would choose to eat fattened duck liver or fish eggs over a sausage roll in a roll with sauce.”
Another rich kid said she was ditching all pretence of subtlety because responsibilities such as Instagramming photos of her business class ticket besides a strategically placed glass of Champagne from the Qantas lounge was becoming a full-time job.
“I’ve stopped buying expensive jewellery and perfumes and simply started pinning money to my designer outfits,” she said. “Poor people can’t tell the difference between designer and Target anyway, so this way they can easily identify me as #blessed.”
Other rich people have told The Sydney Sentinel that they also have decided to be more obvious about their superiority by leaving their ATM receipts in the machine for the next person to marvel at.
Sydney cafe owners have dismissed a Melbourne cafe’s bid to address the gender pay gap by charging men an additional 18 per cent as a “stunt”, noting that true equality means ripping off everyone equally.
“We’ve always insisted on charging everyone as much as possible,” one Sydney cafe owner said. “But to prove just how dedicated to equality we are, we’ll now be demanding all our customers pay an additional 18 per cent.”
Cafe owners in Canberra have also waded into the debate, saying that the city would avoid taking a real stand and maintain its reputation for being the perfect middle ground by charging customers a 9.5 per cent increase.
Joe Hockey has chimed in with a solution that echoes his advice for young people struggling to enter the property market.
“This whole situation could’ve been avoided if women would just get jobs that pay more,” he said.
A Sydney man is busy planning his 10th career change this month in an effort to find a job that fulfills him. The man, who has worked in 190 different industries since last year, said none of his jobs have been as rewarding as being on the dole or begging on the streets.
“I don’t want a job that feels like work,” the man said. “If I have to spend eight hours in the office doing an hour of work every day, I want to be able to enjoy what I do.”
The man is not alone in his hunt to find a rewarding job.
“We haven’t been able to nominate an employee of the month for two years since nobody has stayed with us for an entire month,” a spokesperson for a major Sydney retailer said. “Young people need to understand that work is horrible and simply learn to use alcohol, opiates, benzos, and hallucinogens as coping mechanisms like the rest of us.”
The comments come as a report revealed an alarming number of Sydney-siders are using a loophole to skip the workforce completely by becoming lifelong students and living with their parents forever.
Sydney’s commercial radio stations this morning have detailed plans to replace all on-air talent with pre-recorded canned laughter.
“Our hosts are the best in the business at laughing at nothing but times are tough for media and we’ve already gotten rid of all the journalists and fact checkers so the hosts were the next logical people to go,” a commercial radio spokesperson said.
“It was also a medical issue. It’s a little-known fact that hosts often need to sticky tape their faces back together after fake laughing so long.”
A research company who conducted blind tests for the new approach said listeners couldn’t tell the difference between the current hosts and canned laughter.
“Sometimes the audience even preferred the canned laughter, as it was more believable,” a researcher said.
The Sydney Sentinel couldn’t find anyone that actually listened to commercial radio to comment.
Members of unconventional Subreddits, the themed discussion forums on popular social media site Reddit, have called for a Royal Commission into hipster practices amid claims they’ve ruined a raft of everyday things, including everything from coffee to bicycles and facial hair.
A petition signed by thousands of Subreddit moderators warns that “nothing is safe” and “fleeting hipster adoption of an interest, activity or style choice can destroy it forever”.
“A few years back vinyl records took a bearded beating,” said Ron Scott, a moderator for Subreddit dedicated to remote-controlled cars. “We even dropped our retro remote-controlled car section just in case some of these tattooed folks caught on, which seems to have foiled them. For now…”
Bob Jenkins, a moderator for a vintage motorcycle Subreddit said he initially saw the attention as a positive thing. “Our subscription base tripled overnight!” he said. “But things turned sour when discussions about engines and track days started becoming overrun by conversations about which jacket stitching looks the coolest and which sticky tape to use to make an X on a headlamp. The moment someone asked which beard wax best deals with wind, I knew we were done.”
Several other Subreddit spokespeople, who spoke to Sydney Sentinel on condition of anonymity, confirmed they had also signed the petition but asked that their interest groups not be mentioned by name, for fear of attracting “the wrong kind of attention”.