Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.
One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.
“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”
One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.
“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.
Creating random, collage-style film clips using every technique learned at art school does not make you a creative genius, a new study has found.
The CSIRO study, conducted by a brave scientist who agreed to endure a marathon A Clockwork Orange-style viewing of Rage, found that being strange for the sake of being strange and a misunderstanding of what it means to be ironic were endemic issues.
“It was a horror show of senseless imagery, grotesque pastiches and blatant rip-offs, all presented with a faux-ironic wink,” he said. “I failed to identify a single memorable tune, charismatic frontman or epic guitar riff.”
The study comes as a timely reminder that wearing a 1980s-style pastel suit paired with a tea cosy as a hat is more likely to be a desperate cry for attention than a sign of individuality.
A Sydney man who thoughtlessly stuffed a few scratchies into a birthday card to give to a distant relative during Christmas lunch is now really hoping the recipient doesn’t win anything more than $2.
“I’d be fucking spewing if he wins anything good,” the man said. “To think all that cash could’ve been mine, but I gave it away to some bloke I don’t even like. I’m feeling a blood clot forming in my brain from all the worry.”
The man is not alone in feeling the stress of seeing someone he barely cares about win big off a scratchie that could’ve been his.
“I had Christmas spoiled completely one year when my lazy Secret Santa gift resulted in a $10,000 win for the giftee,” one woman said. “And to make things worse, the winner was willing to share, but I simply couldn’t break the sacred bond of secrecy that makes Secret Santa the great tradition it is.”
Insisting her mistake need not be repeated, she recommends the man at the centre of the anxiety storm rips open the envelope and scratches the scratchies himself ‘“just in case”, and gets the distant relative a truckie’s two-piece feed consisting of a pie and a porno from the servo instead.
Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today.
“We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we can remember,” the statement reads. “Some people complain because they think we’re mixing up packages by accident, but we also get a lot of happy customers who love the surprises they receive.”
The statement describes how one man who’d been expecting a book from his mum called 12 steps to living drug-free was delighted when he instead received a box of MDMA from the dark web.
“This man is just one of many winners,” the statement says. “We make a list of deliveries and check it twice, then we burn it and just send the parcels wherever we feel like taking them. Another thing we love to do is send Christmas presents out a few months late. Everyone gets presents on December 25 so it’s a lot more special and unexpected to instead get them in June.”
A local swimmer today decided to skip his daily 100-metre swim session and get straight into walking about the pool change room with his doodle hanging out for a few hours.
The man said he may never get in the water again.
“My favourite part of training is walking about the change room completely nude after my swim, staring at everyone in the eye,” he said. “So today, I thought I’d cut the swimming part out completely and get straight down to business.”
The man is not alone in his love of getting his dong out after a few laps.
“I have a coffee, read the newspaper for a bit and strike up a few conversations with the squad kids in the gents before I even think about putting on some undies,” he said. “Those blokes who awkwardly get changed behind a towel should be banned.”
Several local councils have told The Sydney Sentinel they’re thinking of getting rid of the pool from their aquatic facilities altogether, to make way for additional change rooms.
A cigarette company has described its new Optimus Ice Crush darts as “smokes for a new generation” at a product launch today.
The durry features the same NASA-developed technology as the brand’s popular Optimus Crush product, which contains a crushed mint pellet that releases a menthol-like taste from first to last drag.
A spokesperson said evolving the new line was a no-brainer.
“Kids already love the icy-freshness of Optimus Crush, so adding a more exciting type of ice with Optimus Ice Crush was a logical next step,” he said, adding that it’s “perfect for those wanting to take the edge off and on at the same time”.
Smokers praised the decision.
“As a gentleman who enjoys both a ciggie and a shard, this superhero team-up works as well as Batman and Superman,” one 14-year-old said.
Optimus Ice Crush will be sold in packs of one and are said to provide days of enjoyment.
The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”
The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.
“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.