Dr Google is being recognised as the world’s most efficient medical professional, after figures were revealed indicating it has diagnosed more cases of cancer than all other doctors combined.
Patients, who have been diagnosed with various types of cancer after researching symptoms such as a mild headache, unwanted erection or hangover, say conventional doctors just can’t keep up.
One man, whose Dr Google diagnosis came nine years before any other doctors spotted signs of anything wrong, described the search engine as “a marvel of modern medicine”.
“I was just trying to look up the method for boiling an egg when Dr Google told me I had cancer,” he said. “I’ve been trying to convince other doctors ever since and no one would listen to me, but they’ve finally just spotted a suspicious-looking tumour in my left nut, so who’s laughing now?”
People diagnosed with cancer by Dr Google have been advised that the best treatment method is posting a brave yet raunchy photo of yourself along with 1 like = 1 prayer on Facebook.
A new study has shown that switching your morning coffee to chamomile tea decreases your motivation dramatically and helps you cruise through the work day easier.
One advertising account manager said she felt the benefits instantly.
“I used to reach for a coffee first thing in the morning to help shake off the existential dread I felt about going to work, but I had it all wrong,” she said. “By switching to chamomile tea my care factor remains low and I can have a successful day being unproductive. Yesterday I had a snooze in the disabled dunny.”
Another worker who had also made the switch said it helps him prioritise what’s important in life.
“Stuff being wide awake on work’s time,” the surgeon said. “Now I have a coffee at about 5pm and by the time I get home I’m ready to play PUBG all night. My kill-death ratio has gone way up on both fronts.”
Local pubs are cashing in on the trend to stay demotivated during work hours by moving their happy hours to the morning.
Hipsters have been vandalising oBikes across Sydney out of anger that the share bikes are making cycling more accessible and mainstream.
“People can’t just pay a half-hour fee and become one of us,” one furious hipster said. “These frauds even have multiple gears!”
Angry hipsters have justified the vandalism, noting that the bikes, often left in messy clumps or stranded in strange places, are an eyesore.
“These bikes make our streets look ugly in a non-fashionable way,” one woman with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper said. “None of these so-called bikes are in pastel colours or even have baskets.”
Another hipster, also with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper, rubbished the clone-like design of the bikes.
“They all look the same,” she said. “Bikes should be an extension of yourself, not simply an affordable mode of public transport.”
An oBike spokesperson said they plan on installing vintage Spokey Dokeys from the ’80s on all their bikes in an attempt to win hipsters over.
Sydney’s never-ending construction projects are proof the city is not real and is likely a giant computer simulation created by a more sophisticated intelligence playing the popular world-building game Minecraft, according to top CSRIO scientists.
“Tearing down the monorail to build a light rail ‘just because’ or moving The Powerhouse Museum out to Parramatta is exactly something a bored Minecraft player would do,” one scientist said. “We’re clearly just a sandbox for some technologically advanced teenager having a bit of fun attempting to create a city in his or her spare time.”
Other scientists agree.
“The worst part about it all is that the being playing the Minecraft simulation is not very good at the game,” a researcher said. “Look at the place, there are cranes and construction going on everywhere and most of it doesn’t make any sense. Like the $38 million Albert ‘Tibby’ Cotter cycle and pedestrian bridge over Anzac Parade that isn’t used by cyclists or pedestrians.”
Sydneysiders are hoping the advanced species playing the game gives up soon or resets the whole thing and starts again.
An overwhelming number of Sydney-siders are completely stumped about whether they lost or gained sleep when daylight savings kicked in this morning, a NASA study has revealed.
One Sydney man said he had used the confusion to his advantage.
“Due to my phone’s clock changing automatically overnight, my body clock was confused, and I had no idea what time it ‘really’ was,” said the man. “I just told myself that 9am today time is probably more like 5pm or so yesterday time, so I took myself to the pub for a few schooners to help adjust.”
Other people were choosing to ignore the issue for now.
“Look, I’m not even going to worry about it today,” one woman said. “I’ll keep it up my sleeve and use daylight savings as an excuse to be four hours late to work on Tuesday.”
Daylight savings has been cited as the number-one reason for people waking up feeling horrible today, despite the fact that many have eaten nothing but pingers since knocking off work for the long weekend on Friday morning.
A man who recently finished watching a series on Netflix and is still searching for a new show has turned to drugs to fill the hole that has been left in his life.
“The worst part was that I didn’t realise I had watched the finale of the most recent season until I went to watch the next episode and there wasn’t one,” the man said. “I spent the next few hours flipping through Netflix and Stan before an overwhelming sense of indecision and panic forced me to turn off the TV and take the edge off with a relaxing ice pipe.”
The man said realising that he’d watched the latest season of his favourite show and the new season wouldn’t start for at least a year felt “like a bad break-up when you’re in one of those confusing on-and-off relationships”.
“It’s a bit like grieving,” he said. “I’m still getting flashbacks and thinking often of all the characters and the good times we shared, but I’m worried those memories will soon start to fade.”
The man tried reading a book “out of desperation” but had to stop after suffering chronic imagination pains.
A Sydney man has declared war on global warming by putting his home, office and car air conditioners on full blast and promising to leave them on high for the entirety of spring and summer.
“Mother Nature is clearly dropping the ball with keeping the weather under control, so it’s up to us humans to fix things,” he said, adding that he was spurred into action after an unusually hot start to spring.
“From leaving the fridge doors open in the servo to wearing my hat backwards and chilling out instead of going to work and getting all hot under the collar, I’ve been doing everything I can to keep things cool, but I can’t do it alone. So, if it’s hot outside, chuck on your bloody air conditioner and crack open all the windows. It’s not rocket surgery.”
The man added that he will even be switching to cooling menthol cigarettes.