The launch of Amazon Australia set for this afternoon is causing tremendous stress-anxiety-depression for local retailers, who are used to being able to rip customers off.
A spokesperson for one retail giant said board members have been burning the cocaine oil staying up all night trying to invent new ways to charge Australians “heaps” for products that are cheaper everywhere else in the world, a practice retailers have affectionately dubbed “the Australian tax”.
“One of the best ideas was to pretend we care for the environment and charge a carbon footprint tax or something for postage,” he said. “And a cracking idea for our bricks-and-mortar stores was to open a toll booth and charge entry, then put together a marketing campaign about how we’re creating new jobs for the folk who have to man them all day.”
Some Australian retailers have said Amazon Australia won’t make any difference to their businesses as they “don’t sell books anyway”.
The Australian government has announced that the “age of entitlement” then-treasurer Joe Hockey declared over in 2012 is back exclusively for its staff, with every member of parliament set to receive a salary increase in the thousands plus simultaneous tax cuts.
Politicians have justified the entitlements, which come amid historically low wages growth nationwide, as “a necessary step” to tackle rampant bribery and corruption allegations.
“This is really in the public’s best interest,” one insider said. “If my pay rise means I can take just one less bribe next year, everyone wins.”
Malcolm Turnbull, who already has a vast museum dedicated to his private money collection, said he’ll invest the extra cash into trying to get the NBN to at least work for at least 10 of his houses.
Hockey, who is now Ambassador of Australia to the United States, said the higher salaries won’t lead to MPs becoming out of touch and that he stood by previous statements regarding poor people not driving and young people who want to break into the property market simply needing to get a better job.
“It was my job to offer pithy insights like this to the Australian public,” he said. “That’s why they paid me the big bucks.”
The government has defended the controversial 10 per cent “luxury tax” on tampons, saying it will only scrap the levy when all Australians can enjoy a monthly period, regardless of gender.
“When men can enjoy the same regular cramps, bleeding and acne that women do, we will of course get rid of the tampon tax,” a government health spokesperson said. “What’s important is that this is fair for everyone involved.”
However Australian men’s groups have argued that the tax on sanitary items should be abolished, along with similar taxes on a raft of other “so-called luxuries”.
“Beer, cigarettes and pornography are all highly taxed items that are treated as luxuries but these are needs, not wants,” one man said.
Byron Bay locals got out of bed before 9AM today to thank those in Sydney who have worked all year and paid taxes to help fund their Centrelink payments.
Some put on a dazzling show of fire twilling on their surfboards while others told The Sydney Sentinel they were “having a big smoke for those in the big smoke” in a public display of thanks in the lead up to the end of the financial year.
“These suited people die a little bit inside each and every day for us,” said one long-haired hippie, adding that had tried working once, appearing as a long-haired hippie on Russell Coight’s All Aussie Adventures, before deciding it wasn’t for him.
“You couldn’t pay me to go to work again, not even with money.”
Paramedics were on hand treating people with minor bongo-hand cramps, dandy soy latte overdoses and exhaustion from the early start.
A second day of solidarity with Sydney workers was planned but has been called off after a poor showing this morning when more than 90 per cent of Byron Bay locals called in sick.
The son of deputy ATO commissioner Michael Cranston has publicly embarrassed himself and his family after being caught stealing just $165 million from Australian tax payers.
Speaking from his luxury yacht, an ATO spokesman described the alleged thief as “a disappointment”.
“I would’ve expected someone with that sort of inside knowledge to steal at least a trillion or three,” he said. “$165 million is House of Representatives sort of numbers. To get caught stealing such a small amount will bring shame on his whole family.”
Early reports from legal experts indicate that the man’s public shaming will be taken into account during the prosecution, with some suggesting he could avoid jail time altogether.
“I think he’s been punished enough,” one judge said. “He deserves a chance to redeem himself and be caught later in his career with a more impressive resume of fraud. He’s far too young and connected to be punished for this one mishap. And we need to think of what the family’s going through – this is the equivalent of Shane Warne’s son being bad at bowling.”
Government officials expressed surprise at the arrest.
“We didn’t even mean for anyone to get caught in this investigation, so I have no idea how he managed to get caught; it’s a true mystery,” a spokesperson said. “But public servants should take note of this and act immediately.”
The 13 other men caught in the investigation who did not have family connections were sentenced to life in prison without trial.
Savvy first homebuyers looking to get into the not-being-homeless market in Sydney after today’s Federal Budget announcement have begun investing in “alternative housing”, with self-storage boxes from companies such as TaxiBox emerging as a popular choice.
“I was originally going to store my stuff and sleep on the street but then I saw the words ‘self storage’ on the box and had a light-bulb moment – why not literally store my self?” one proud new homeowner said. “I’m from the eastern suburbs so most of my friends were gifted an apartment or two for their 18th birthday, but my parents are just regular millionaire Aussie battlers, so I’ve had to fend for myself since graduating from Cranbrook.”
While critics have bemoaned the lack of natural light and air, real estate agents have embraced the trend, with one listing a TaxiBox self-storage container as a “New York-style blank canvas with outstanding potential to add value”, noting that the company “even brings your new home to you – who else offers a service like that?”.
The ATO has announced that paying taxes will be optional for the first time this financial year, in a gesture of goodwill following the ridiculous things MPs have charged taxpayers for in the past 12 months.
The public should not be charged for chartered helicopter rides, lobster sausages at Bunnings and all-expenses-paid days at the Portsea Polo, an ATO spokesperson said.
“Not one cent of tax payer money has been invested in schools, roads or health this year,” she said. “The only tax money used not directly on MP luxuries this year was contracting welfare debt squads to claw back welfare over-payments. And rumours have circulated that money was being chased to build a private Wet’n’Wild-style water park in Parliament House, Canberra.
The public has welcomed the news with empty wallets. “Just like the ‘towels optional’ sign at my local sauna, I can’t imagine many people going for that option. I know I won’t be giving them a single wad,” Dan from Darlinghurst said.
MPs found guilty of misusing taxpayer funds will be forced to see out their days on a “harsh” $800,000-per-year severance package and a job in the private sector.