Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

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New Word “Ther” to Replace “There”, “Their” and “They’re”

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Commonly confused words “their”, “there”, and “they’re” will all be replaced with the universal “ther” from next year, the Sydney Sentinel can reveal.

The move has been welcomed by frustrated teachers, many of whom have been pushing for the change since the late 1990s.

“Students never remember which one to use and I even find myself sneaking under the table for a quick peek of the Macquarie Dictionary every now and then,” said Mr Harrington, head of English at Maroubra High School. “This new word means students can spend class time learning instead of trying to work things out”.

After a quick survey of social media, experts have also nominated more than 20 other words for “simplification”, including “your”, “you’re”, “yore”, “where”, “wear”, “we’re”, “who” and “whom”.