Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

Migrants to Prove they can Chug a Schooner in Tough New Citizenship Test

Australian Cit

The ability to chug a beer, fill out a TAB form and use one swear word in at least 20 different contexts are among the new skills to be assessed in proposed changes to the Australian citizenship test.

Applicants will have to be able to demonstrate that they prize “Australian values” such as how to chuck a sickie, a uey and a wobbly, and an understanding that domestic violence is only okay when you’re drunk or your footy team has lost a game.

The changes come less than a week after the government announced the 457 foreign worker visa program would be axed and replaced by an “Australians first” approach to skilled migration.

“Australians can’t be expected to compete with skilled migrants – it’s just not fair,” an immigration spokesperson said. “We’re evening the playing field by only accepting unskilled migrants from now on.”

Test Cricket to Introduce Tackling

UFCricket

Test cricket is set to introduce new rules allowing bowlers to tackle batsman running between wickets, with batsman able to defend themselves using their bat.

Dubbed Ultimate Fighting Cricket (UFC), the revised game is a bid to modernise the sport, a Cricket Australia spokesperson said.

“Cricket has gotten a bit dull when you compare it to other sports like regular UFC or World of Warcraft,” he said. “Kids these days want blood, and we’re going to give it to them.”

Along with the new rule allowing tackling, a batsman can now be dismissed by a groin shot (AKA third-leg-before-wicket), giving bowlers further incentive to draw blood for the thirsty crowd.

“What a brilliant idea,” one cricket fan said. “The white clothing will really show off the blood stains on TV.” Another fan said the new rules were “overdue” and that “backyard players have been doing this for years”.

If UFC proves successful, officials will introduce a cage-match format next season.