Housemates Urged to Aim for Poo Stains Before Xmas Guests Arrive


Male housemates in a share house in Sydney have been urged to aim for the poo stains built up inside their toilet, in an effort to make the dunny look respectable before guests arrive for Christmas catch-ups.

The man who came up with the idea said the toilet currently looked like they borrowed it from a three-day musical festival.

“I started to use the servo’s shitter across the road as even it was cleaner,” he said. “It was time to take action, and if we all do our part and focus our streams towards the offending chunks, we’ll soon have a Facebook chair sparkling like the eye of a pensioner hitting a 60-cent feature.”

Other housemates weren’t as optimistic about the plan.

“Look, it’s hard enough aiming inside the toilet let alone aiming for strategic targets within it,” one man said. “I think we’d be better to just chuck the whole thing out and buy a new one. It even smells dead.”

Another housemate said it would be better just to board up the bathroom door and make guests feel at home by inviting them to piss in the sink.


Man who Only Popped Into the Pub to Use Toilet Downs 50 Schooners


A man who walked into a Sydney pub only wanting to use the toilet today ended up downing 50 schooners and a fisherman’s basket and chucking a few gorillas into Top Banana, all because he didn’t want to look like he was “taking the piss”.

“The bloke behind the bar clocked me as I ran straight for the gents, so I couldn’t just walk straight back outside after draining the pee from my balls,” the man said. “It was time to do the right thing and pull up a stump for a day or so.”

The man was so committed to looking like he wasn’t abusing the pub’s toilet that he canned going back to work for the day.

“The barman must’ve known I was only hanging about to be polite, as he told me I’d had enough and asked me to leave when I tried to order schoon number 51.”

Sadly, the man’s wife didn’t appreciate his courtesy and has filed for divorce.

Man Forgets He’s not at Work and Pisses All Over Home Toilet


A Sydney man this morning has had an embarrassing blunder after he pissed all over his home toilet seat, floor, hand towel, roof, vanity mirror and a bit out the window after forgetting he wasn’t at work.

“I was on autopilot ­– or maybe it was auto fire,” the man said. “I simply forgot where I was and proceeded to make an absolute mockery of my home toilet as if I was at work. It was lucky I didn’t go all out and unleash an upper decker on myself.”

The woman the man brought home the night before said she wouldn’t be returning.

“I thought he was having a shower by the sound of it all,” she said. “But instead of a towel and a fresh coat of deodorant, the man returned to the bedroom with urine-beaded track pants and a dripping chin. It was time to call the morning a night and leave.”

The gentleman has told the Sydney Sentinel that he’ll be closing the bathroom door and using the toilet at the servo for the weekend while things “naturally dry out, hopefully”.