Poor Kids on Santa’s Naughty List for 4,000th Year Straight


Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families.

“Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them, if you’re on the naughty list, you’re lucky to get a firm backhander,” a professor of Christmas at Penrith University said. “It just goes to show, kids who come from poorer families must simply be naughty and have low morals.”

One rich kid who received an iPhone X, a couple of Bitcoins and a Sale of the Century diamond stick pin said Santa mustn’t be able to see behind the dunnies at school.

“I spent all year skipping class and punching snow cones behind the gents, so I’ve got no idea how I got such a big haul,” he said. “Maybe there’s some sort of Santa pedo clause that stops him keeping an eye on children around bathrooms and such.”

Government officials have advised children from poorer families to pull their socks up, if they own any, and try not to be such terrible people in 2018.


Mattel Slammed for Assuming Ken’s Gender in Redesign


Ferocious protests have soured the relaunch of Barbie’s boyfriend Ken, who’s received his first major makeover in 56 years to better represent today’s politically correct society. The protestors are fuming that the toy giant has assumed Ken’s gender, taking toy rights back to the dark ages.

The toy maker today has apologised profusely for the mishap, speaking from their head office which is currently on fire from the protests.

“We should have let Ken assume his own gender,” said a Mattel spokesperson. “We thought we were ticking all the right boxes to not offend anyone by making Ken fat, gay, a refugee from Syria as well as an anti-vaxxer… but we clearly dropped the ball big time by calling him a man.”

The head of Mattel has been forced to step down from his position immediately, and will be spending the rest of his life in jail until he is killed by lethal injection.

Protestors have felt the punishment is a slap on the wrist and is calling for the death of all Mattel employees.

The Sydney Sentinel spoke with several children, with the overall response being that they don’t give a toss about Ken’s gender, and would rather their parents spent some time playing with them rather than protesting all the time.