Light Rail workers depressed about going back to work as project wraps up

Depression has kicked in for Sydney Light Rail workers as the multi-billion dollar project comes to an end after 22 years.

“I can’t even remember what my job was,” one tradie said. “But luckily I haven’t forgotten how to build a solid compo claim.”

Another worker slammed his peers for being so lazy.

“These men and women who sat around doing nothing the whole time only have themselves to blame,” the man said. “I put in the hard work and studied medicine on the job, so I’m looking forward to my future as an orthopaedic surgeon.”

A government spokesperson called for cooler heads, saying they have plenty more projects to keep workers busy doing nothing to help build projects vital to please their mates who own construction companies.

Mystery Surrounds Phone that Dies when Owner Asked to Share Uber


A Sydney man’s phone consistently runs out of battery the exact moment an Uber needs to be booked on a night out, a special investigation into the matter has been told.

Friends said they raised the alarm after the man reported his phone’s mysterious behaviour for the ninth weekend in a row.

“He always seems to have a hard time retrieving his phone from his pocket when someone suggests we catch an Uber, which is odd because he’s the quickest draw in the Inner West when a Tinder notification comes through,” one friend said. “Then, when he does finally get his phone out to book an Uber, it’s always dead.”

Another friend has confirmed the story, adding that the man always promises to buy the person paying for the ride a drink.

“The drink never comes,” another friend of the man said. “But when we get to the pub, his phone always miraculously comes back to life until it’s time to share an Uber home.”

New App Helps Passengers Decipher Taxi Driver Phone Mumble


A leading NSW taxi company has launched a new app designed to translate the indecipherable mumbles of drivers who are too busy talking on the phone and yelling at other cars to be able to communicate clearly with passengers.

A spokesperson, who dubbed the app “Uber slayer”, said it was a move that would benefit both drivers and passengers.

“Being a taxi driver is boring, so they need to be on the phone to friends or adult hotlines at all times just to stay sane – but it’s also essential that drivers are able to ask passengers for directions, or no one will ever get where they need to go,” he said. “With this app, drivers can do both.”

The new app is the second innovation the taxi company has rolled out this month, coming just weeks after the announcement of the new card skimming insurance fee.

Sydney Light Rail to be Demolished; Monorail to Return

Work on the $76821.3 billion Sydney Light Rail will cease today as the state government prepares to scrap the project to make way for a new monorail instead.

The new monorail will be the old monorail that was torn down in 2013, but with additional track to extend all the way to Port Macquarie on the New South Wales Mid North Coast.

The move came after someone at a state government board meeting thought to question the point of the Sydney Light Rail project and no one had an answer that could be said on the record.

Officials have promised that the monorail project, which is estimated to cost up to $900 trillion and predicted to close every major street in Sydney’s CBD until 2078, is in the best interest of tax payers and will cause “minimal obstruction” to traffic.

Demolition of the work that has already been completed on the Light Rail project is set to begin this week, with construction crews estimating that it could take as little as one day to undo work that has been causing increasing traffic issues over the past year.

“Luckily, we haven’t really done anything yet,” one construction worker said. “We pretty much just put up all the hoardings and hid behind them smoking darts all day. One fella even set up Mario Kart 64.”

No one is sure why, but all remaining trees along Anzac Parade will also be chopped down immediately.

Sydney Commuters Afraid to Move to End of the Bus


The majority of Sydney commuters are afraid to go to the end of a packed bus, with as many as 70 per cent admitting they don’t like to move more than a couple of steps past the front doors, a new survey has revealed.

“I’m not sure what goes on at the back of the bus and I have no intention of finding out,” one middle-aged passenger said. “I haven’t been past the rear doors since hearing about back-seat bandits at school.”

When forced to stand, most passengers prefer to linger as close as they can to the front or rear doors and simply “breath in a little” to signal that they are making an effort to let others on or off the bus.

90 per cent of passengers said that when they do get a seat, they would only give it up to a pregnant woman if the baby were starting to crown.

Eye Contact Banned on Sydney Transport


Direct eye contact lasting more than three seconds with fellow passengers has been banned today on all Sydney transport, including train, bus and ferry travel, with an on-the-spot five-year prison sentence issued to anyone found violating the new law.

The rule is being introduced after surveys revealed that “other people” is most travellers’ biggest problem with public transport.

“I’d catch public transport more often if it weren’t for the other people,” said Carl Maxwell, who chooses to drive to work alone to avoid human contact. “I feel this eye-contact ban will really help reduce social anxiety levels and make people like me rethink my commuting habits.”

“It’s a good start, but more needs to be done,” regular train passenger Tim Rogers said. “Let’s ban looking up from your phone completely. It’s unnecessary and puts people on edge.”

The new law is the next step in the NSW government’s crackdown on anti-social social behaviour, which saw 5,000 people executed for talking violations last month.

Cyclists Call For Pedestrian Registration

Angry cycling groups have called for a pedestrian registration program to be rolled out across Sydney following complaints of pedestrian misconduct causing cyclists to have to slow down on footpaths and stop at zebra crossings.

“Pedestrians have had it their way on the footpath for far too long,” said one keen cyclist. “A licensing system means I’d be able to spend my nights identifying slow or erratic walkers from my Go-Pro footage and report them straight to police or my dad.”

A NSW government spokesperson said the new proposal “makes sense” and is much more fair than the cycling lobby’s original proposal to “ban pedestrians all together”.

“I think a simple licence plate around the neck for pedestrians is a fashionable and intelligent solution to help cyclist-everybody-else relations,” he said.