A Sydney man who invited a woman to Netflix and chill last night said the evening was ruined when his date interrupted the viewing session with a binge sex marathon.
“I hardly got to watch any Netflix and the evening certainly wasn’t chill,” the man said. “We were joining Russel on one of his ‘All Aussie Adventures’ when my female friend removed my trousers and I missed the rest of the episode.”
The man is not the only one to have had an innocent evening ruined by intercourse.
“The last guy who invited me to Netflix and chill opened the door wearing just an erection,” one women said. “I later discovered he didn’t even own a TV.”
The federal minister for sexual relations said he had been unaware of the scam but now understood why his teenaged children never accepted his invitations to Netflix and chill.
A man who recently finished watching a series on Netflix and is still searching for a new show has turned to drugs to fill the hole that has been left in his life.
“The worst part was that I didn’t realise I had watched the finale of the most recent season until I went to watch the next episode and there wasn’t one,” the man said. “I spent the next few hours flipping through Netflix and Stan before an overwhelming sense of indecision and panic forced me to turn off the TV and take the edge off with a relaxing ice pipe.”
The man said realising that he’d watched the latest season of his favourite show and the new season wouldn’t start for at least a year felt “like a bad break-up when you’re in one of those confusing on-and-off relationships”.
“It’s a bit like grieving,” he said. “I’m still getting flashbacks and thinking often of all the characters and the good times we shared, but I’m worried those memories will soon start to fade.”
The man tried reading a book “out of desperation” but had to stop after suffering chronic imagination pains.
Men’s groups have labelled Channel Ten’s The Bachelor as sexist for not including a single male in its line-up of 21 contestants competing for bachelor Matty J’s heart.
The group has said there’s no job a man can’t do except the ones they don’t want to do.
“It’s our choice to ignore some female tasks like cooking, vacuuming and laundry,” a men’s group spokesperson said.“However, this show doesn’t even give us a chance to have a go.”
One man who applied to be a contestant on the show said he was never even contacted.
“The real loser in this situation is Matty J,” the man said. “I can skol a schooner of rum, put an entire pay cheque through the pokies in a single afternoon and play Mario Kart like a demon – stuff men are actually attracted to, and I reckon only half the chosen contestants could do all that stuff.”
The first season of The Bachelor (of Arts), a spinoff from popular Channel Ten show The Bachelor, has raised eyebrows after it was revealed none of the contestants managed to catch the eye of the single employer whose attention they were competing for.
Controversy has surrounded The Bachelor (of Arts) ahead of its upcoming launch, after leaked documents emerged showing that the eligible employer at the centre of the show had “decided to go in another direction and make the role redundant rather than employ any of the halfwits who had applied”.
Promotional materials describe the show, which pits 24 recent Bachelor of Arts graduates against one another to win the love, affection and security of one employer, as much like the network’s traditional The Bachelorprograms, except that the contestants are “far more desperate”.
Each episode sees the employer test the graduates’ skills through challenges such as stapling, sending an email and gossiping in the kitchen with a biscuit.
A Channel Ten spokesperson said the show was worth watching, even though none of the contestants had found a lifelong career.
“The intrigue surrounding what Bachelor of Arts students are actually good at has been one of the great mysteries of our time,” the spokesperson said. “In this almost-too-close-to-reality show, we dig deep and discover very little. It’s an amazing journey.”
All 24 former contestants are now working in cafes or bars while working on the next great Australian novel.
Start-up company Lifeflix will next month begin streaming scenes of ordinary day-to-day life to thousands of lounge rooms across Australia.
Inspired by the never-leave-the-couch enjoyment of Netflix, the new service will provide sitting-down fanatics with point-of-view shots putting viewers in the centre of the action in a bank queue, traffic jam, or waiting on the corner for a local drug dealer, a Lifeflix spokesperson said.
“This service will help people feel they are out living life with other human beings, without the need to go out and actually live life with other human beings,” he said. “If nothing else, if will remind people why they choose to isolate themselves at home instead of suffer the outside world.”
Lifeflix will cost $9.99 a month and, if successful, will expand later this year to also offer “crippling depressing” VR experiences.
More than 100 people have died in a horror start to the summer beach season at Bondi, where lifeguards have been preoccupied with filming new episodes of Channel Ten’s Bondi Rescue.
“Unfortunately, not all rescues make for good TV and we have to prioritise those that do,” one Bondi lifeguard said. “If you plan on visiting our beach and you’re not a strong swimmer, make sure you’ve got a fit rig and a decent tan. We air at dinnertime, you know.”
A Waverley Council spokesperson has labelled the deaths as “unfortunate but unavoidable collateral damage in the name of entertainment”, noting that “an entire episode full of lifeguards rescuing people makes for dull viewing”.
“People want to know more about the lifeguards’ personal lives, or watch them hoon around on a beach buggy looking for a tidy bit of crumpet,” he said.