Man in Hospital After Early Uber Arrival Forces Him to Skol 400 Beers

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A Sydney man is in hospital with chronic drunkenness pains after the Uber he ordered to take him to the pub arrived four minutes early, forcing him to drink 400 of his 680 pre-drinks beers in under 30 seconds.

A government health spokesperson has slammed Uber, calling for an “urgent review” of the ride-sharing service.

“What a horror story. My thoughts and prayers are with this man who was trying to do the right thing by not driving after 680 beers and avoiding arriving at the pub feeling a bit awkward because he hadn’t consumed a sufficient amount of alcohol,” he said. “It’s irresponsible of the Uber to put people in this position and it’s happening far too often. Punctuality can be deadly.”

The victim’s friends, who are also in hospital recovering from the evening, said they weren’t concerned when the man failed to turn up at the pub.

“He’s a light drinker anyway so we thought he simply skipped the pre pre pre pre drinks. Who would have thought the poor bloke had to drink 400 beers in under 30 seconds?” one friend said. “I know that doesn’t sound like much, but 400 beers has a lot of sugar and that can’t be good for you.”

A NSW taxi spokesperson said this was “just another example” of the way Uber’s consistent over performance was dangerous.

“If you book with a taxi, you can be confident we’ll be late or not come at all, so you’ll always have plenty of time to finish your pre-drinks drinks,” he said. “We’re proud of our motto, ‘Better late or never”.

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Mystery Surrounds Phone that Dies when Owner Asked to Share Uber

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A Sydney man’s phone consistently runs out of battery the exact moment an Uber needs to be booked on a night out, a special investigation into the matter has been told.

Friends said they raised the alarm after the man reported his phone’s mysterious behaviour for the ninth weekend in a row.

“He always seems to have a hard time retrieving his phone from his pocket when someone suggests we catch an Uber, which is odd because he’s the quickest draw in the Inner West when a Tinder notification comes through,” one friend said. “Then, when he does finally get his phone out to book an Uber, it’s always dead.”

Another friend has confirmed the story, adding that the man always promises to buy the person paying for the ride a drink.

“The drink never comes,” another friend of the man said. “But when we get to the pub, his phone always miraculously comes back to life until it’s time to share an Uber home.”

New App Helps Passengers Decipher Taxi Driver Phone Mumble

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A leading NSW taxi company has launched a new app designed to translate the indecipherable mumbles of drivers who are too busy talking on the phone and yelling at other cars to be able to communicate clearly with passengers.

A spokesperson, who dubbed the app “Uber slayer”, said it was a move that would benefit both drivers and passengers.

“Being a taxi driver is boring, so they need to be on the phone to friends or adult hotlines at all times just to stay sane – but it’s also essential that drivers are able to ask passengers for directions, or no one will ever get where they need to go,” he said. “With this app, drivers can do both.”

The new app is the second innovation the taxi company has rolled out this month, coming just weeks after the announcement of the new card skimming insurance fee.

Sydney Taxis Introduce Card-skimming-insurance Fee

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Sydney taxis have announced a new fee today for those who want to safeguard their credit card from being skimmed by their taxi driver.

“After a yearlong study, we found the thing people hate most about taxis is getting their card skimmed by the driver,” a NSW transport spokesperson said. “This way, passengers can simply pay a small optional fee and the driver will promise not to use one of his dodgy card readers and skim their card.”

The new fee – which will add an extra 25 per cent onto a passenger’s total fare or $200, whichever is higher – is the latest addition to a raft of charges commonly added to taxi fares, including fees for booking, flag fall, peak times, toll roads, late nights, early mornings, short distances, long distances, credit and debit cards and the carbon tax.

Taxi drivers are threatening to stage a protest against the new fee, saying it will make life harder for everyone involved.

“We’re losing too much money to Uber already, so I’m scared that if we don’t skim cards I’m not going to be able to put a new plasma TV on the table for the family,” one Sydney driver said. “Plus, with more than 200 machines in my cab, I’ve forgotten which ones are the real deal and which ones are card skimmers. This is just going to cause more delay for passengers wanting to get on with their day.”

Passengers have said there’s no way they’d ever get in a cab again, so the fee doesn’t really matter either way.

Mobile Pokie Service Uber VIP launches

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Uber today announced the launch of Uber VIP, a fleet of customised cars that have had their passenger seats removed and replaced with poker machines.

Uber VIP, which is set to appear as on option on mobile services later this month, will work the same as current Uber services but with the added bonus that passengers will be able to have a flutter en route to wherever they’re going, whether that be a TAB, racetrack or pub lounge.

“Each pokie comes with all the essentials,” an Uber spokesperson said. “Passengers will be able to choose from games such as Where’s the… Gold, More Chilli, 5 Dragons, and of course Australia’s favourite foreigner, the Queen of the Nile.”

A government spokesperson said the move was “long overdue”, claiming “Sydney-siders will now be able to have a night out, on their way out”.

If passengers get carried away and can no longer afford their fare at the end of the ride, the driver will personally escort them to the nearest casino, where they will have the opportunity to win back the fare using their home, jewellery or any other items of value they might possess as a deposit.

If the scheme is successful, the NSW government has pledged to add the VIP service to Sydney’s upcoming light rail network.

Uber Driver Almost Earns Enough to Make Monthly Car Payment

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A Sydney-based Uber driver is “ecstatic” to have almost made this month’s loan payment for the car he had to purchase to qualify for the job.

“I’m so happy I almost bought myself a can of beer to celebrate,” the driver said. “But then I realised I still had lots of bills for bottled water and mints to pay, so I just drove home with the air con on and the music slightly louder than usual.”

His family is thrilled the man left his previous job as a kindergarten teacher, where the short hours meant “he was always home”, his wife said. “He’s now out of the house a good 20 to 23 hours a day, which really gives me back my me time.”

A shirtless male who was present when the Sydney Sentinel interviewed the wife described himself as “nobody” and “not here” but said he was also “very happy with the situation”.

Brown Service Taxis Allows Revellers to Soil Themselves on The Way Home

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A once-prestigious Sydney taxi company has rebranded its fleet of ageing cars as “Brown Service”, promising those who have overdone things on a night out a safe place to be sick, eat a kebab, or lose control of their bladder and bowel movements as they make their way home, without receiving the usual $50 clean-up fee.

“It was impossible for us to compete with the cleanliness and safety of Uber, Sydney Trains, or hitch-hiking, so we decided to target a market that would appreciate a ride where they can let it all out after a night out,” a Brown Service executive told the Sydney Sentinel.

A spokesperson for transport NSW said the move was “a breath of fresh air”.

“The last time I hopped into one of their taxis, the driver’s air biscuit almost cost me my lunch and a $50 clean-up fee, so I feel they are playing to their strengths,” he said. “This is a really smart move.”

Drivers have also welcomed the decision.

“I eat, smoke, and go to the toilet in my cab, so why not extend the same courtesy to my passengers?” said one driver. “This way it’s fair for everyone.”