Unattractive Blokes Converting to Hipsterism to Distract from their Ordinary Looks

Hipster

Ordinary-looking Sydney men are converting to hipsterism en masse after realising their odds of scoring a date are surprisingly increased by donning ironic football beanies and wooden glasses and growing bum-fluff moustaches if they’re skinny or full beards if they’re larger.

“Ugly is the new handsome,” one recent convert said. “Before I converted to hipsterism, I couldn’t score a hug in a brothel, but now I’m killing it!”

Another convert said being ugly on his own terms was empowering, but hard work.

“The carefully careless look can take up to eight hours some mornings,” the man said. “But luckily I don’t have a job, and the local dive bar doesn’t do a roll call.”

Regular good-looking hipsters haven’t been happy with the amount of attention their unfortunate-looking brethren have been receiving.

“It’s become impossible to compete with these guys,” one attractive hipster said. “I may have to take a few face plants off the skateboard I’ve never used to compete with these guys.”

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Ugly People to be Banned From Bondi to Coogee Walk

Bondi walk

Checkpoints will be set up at the entrances to the popular coastal walk between Bondi to Coogee this weekend in a bid to weed out ugly people, sweaty runners and others who might ruin perfect selfie opportunities for beautiful people.

Chloe, a 22-year-old Tamarama local who describes herself as an “entrepreneur/model/beauty blogger”, will be responsible for policing the Bondi entrance to the walk on weekends.

“I’ve worked on the door at all of Sydney’s best clubs, so I really know the sorts of things to look out for,” she said in response to questions about her qualifications for the role. “If a woman isn’t wearing at least one Lululemon item and carrying a turmeric latte, it’s unlikely I’ll let her in.”

India, 19, whose LinkedIn profile describes her as an “entrepreneur/model/DJ”, will be stationed at the Coogee entrance. She described the job as “a fat-free cake walk”.

“The process of natural selection and rise of cheap injectables mean there aren’t a lot of ugly people in the eastern suburbs anyway,” she said, adding that she would simply be pointing “undesirables” towards the less-crowded Coogee to Maroubra walk.