White Activists Claim Black Friday is Racist


Sydney-based activist group White Activists for People of Colour has described the annual Black Friday shopping event as “racist”, claiming that it implies black people can only afford to buy goods when they’re on sale.

“We were so excited to find something new to be offended by on other people’s behalf,” one activist said. “We’ve planned a peaceful riot this afternoon and promise no flag will be left unburned until everyone thinks the way we do.”

Another group member also claimed the event should not have assumed the day’s unit of time as Friday.

“How can we know for sure that this particular moment of the rotation of the earth’s axis wants to identify itself as ‘Friday’?” the spokesperson said.

The whole event has been claimed as one of the greatest discoveries of offensiveness this decade.

Advisors Hope Trump Doesn’t Discover Snapchat


Advisors to US President-Elect Donald Trump have been doing their best to ensure he doesn’t discover Snapchat, in the wake of recent Twitter posts insulting China, women, the media and most of the world.

“We’re very concerned,” one advisor said. “The last thing we need is Trump sexting nude selfies to try win over younger voters. There’s no filter in the world that could make that okay.”

Responses from Millennials were mixed. “As someone who’s been in a swimming-pool change room, I don’t need to see another nude old white man ever again,” one said. Another disagreed: “I can see a couple of tasteful nudes help the swinging voter stand up and take notice.”