A Sydney man was forced to eat his own poo to make it through a night trapped inside a local health food emporium when staff locked the store up for the night without realising he was still inside.
The mishap occurred after the man rushed into the store to use the gender-neutral toilet and fell into an LSD-like trance on the stool pool thanks to the mystic incense burning within the restroom.
The man said he would have used the pub toilet like a normal person, but he didn’t feel like having the 50 or so guilt beers he was forced to down the last time a publican caught him popping in just to use the gents.
“When I came to after smelling colours and seeing sounds I’ve never tasted before, it was too late, and I was locked in the store with no phone charge,” the man said. “I tried to make it through the night with no food or water, but it was impossible. I had to do what anyone would do locked up in a place that only served loony health food, and dine on my own poo and wash it down with my own wee.”
The man said that unlike the way most odd foods are described, it certainly didn’t taste like chicken.
A Sydney woman who has described herself to anyone who will listen as “a devout vegetarian” for the past 20 years has had to renounce her dietary beliefs after discovering she had been inadvertently eating meat the whole time.
“I was shocked to discover cheeseburgers aren’t vegetarian – what a misleading name,” the woman said. “I’d been eating at least 10 a week for the past 20 years, as it was the only vegetarian food I could find that had any flavour, so, when I discovered they are, in fact, made with beef, I had to rethink my diet altogether.”
The woman has celebrated her newfound dietary freedom by sampling some of the delicacies she had carefully avoided as a strict vegetarian, including Christmas mince pies, ants on a log and spotted dick.
A Bondi-based dealer specialising in vegan, organic, fair trade party drugs has gone out of business after recreational users opted to stick with conventional options.
“I’m quite surprised it didn’t work out,” the dealer said. “I really thought I’d found a gap in the market.”
However polls have revealed that drug users actively refuse to apply their usual standards of ethics, common sense and hygiene to their drug use.
“I always eat organic and will only drink fair trade coffee, but drugs are different,” one user said. “Coke’s meant to be a bit of harmless fun and it’s a real downer to think about how many people died getting it out of the poverty-stricken countries it comes from and into my nose.”
Another user agreed, adding: “Usually I don’t even like touching a public toilet without using a piece of toilet paper as a barrier, but I’ll snort a line off pretty much anything.”