Rich People Admit No One Really Enjoys Skiing, Foie Gras and Diamonds

SKI

The only good thing about sliding down an icy hill, eating strange animal parts and paying thousands for worthless rocks is that other people can’t afford to, some of Australia’s wealthiest people have admitted.

“Going to the beach is obviously a lot more fun than skiing, but anyone can afford to do that,” one rich kid said in an interview from his parent’s ski chalet. “I thought this charade was something everyone was in on – I mean, exclusivity is the only logical reason anyone would choose to eat fattened duck liver or fish eggs over a sausage roll in a roll with sauce.”

Another rich kid said she was ditching all pretence of subtlety because responsibilities such as Instagramming photos of her business class ticket besides a strategically placed glass of Champagne from the Qantas lounge was becoming a full-time job.

“I’ve stopped buying expensive jewellery and perfumes and simply started pinning money to my designer outfits,” she said. “Poor people can’t tell the difference between designer and Target anyway, so this way they can easily identify me as #blessed.”

Other rich people have told The Sydney Sentinel that they also have decided to be more obvious about their superiority by leaving their ATM receipts in the machine for the next person to marvel at.

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CEOs Tackle Homelessness by Hunting Them in Virtual Reality at Sleepout Charity Event

HUNTING

Sydney’s elite gathered last night to sleep like homeless people do, except with a few creature comforts, like being indoors, lobster canapes, hookers, cocaine, Champagne and a virtual reality game called “Big bucks hunting the poor”, which allows users to engage with “close-to-real” homeless people by shooting them.

Participants described the event as one of the highlights of their social calendar.

“The networking opportunities at this event are extraordinary,” one banking CEO said. “It also goes to show the homeless are simply lazy, as I made more than $5 billion last night striking up new deals… oh, and I personally helped more than 60 virtual homeless people get off the street permanently, thanks to my boom-stick.”

Another CEO, who describes himself as a self-made millionaire who turned a trillion-dollar inheritance into thousands all by himself, said the event was “eye opening”.

“No wonder people choose to be homeless, it’s amazing!” he said while enjoying a peking-duck on a stick. “I’m actually thinking of becoming homeless next year for tax reasons, so it’s grand to get some practice in this luxury setting.”

The event, which raised $10 million for charities providing services for the homeless, cost $40 billion, half of which was spent on cocaine for those who choose not to sleep at the sleepout.