Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

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Ceramics a Surprise hit for Students at Randwick High

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Ceramics classes has become the surprise hit for students at Randwick High, with 100% of students opting to take the elective class, and of that 100% all were awarded perfect attendance records, which is something that hasn’t been done since Blue Lagoon was one of the films studied intensively for English and biology.

“We thought they would treat it as joke,” said head ceramics teacher Mr Rimmer. “But the results have been incredible. Creativity is a major problem however, as every student has made what they call a vase. Some have called it a watering can but they all look the same to me.”

Randwick High headmaster isn’t so thrilled with the new subject, claiming that as soon as they’ve completed their water vase or can they tend to give up on every other subject completely.

“The tuck shop is loving it though,” said the headmaster. “It seems to be all our students are interested in these days once they’re finished with their ceramics projects, with record sales for pies and sausage rolls,” said the headmaster.

“At least the money raised from the tuck shop is going towards a good cause, as the staff room desperately needs more Xanax so teachers can handle a full day of teaching students who often bully teachers into early retirement when they’re just a few weeks out of uni.”

A department of education spokesperson isn’t sold on the new curriculum, saying “It’s obvious to anyone that works in a government position that what they’re making isn’t a water vase, yet a ceramic version of the timeless Gatorade saxophone.”

Schoolies Revellers Furious to Discover Club Med Isn’t a Club With Meds

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Ropeable school leavers have demanded refunds after discovering Club Med is not a live-in nightclub offering prescription medications like Valium, oxycodone and methadone.

“I didn’t come here to drink cocktails, I came here to swallow them,” one angry school leaver said. “I’ve been in touch with my dad’s lawyer and he thinks we have a strong case against the resort for false advertising.”

A Club Med spokesperson said the company “understood the confusion”, especially given the dazed state many of its middle-aged visitors with young children exhibit, and invited the teens to stay and get a glimpse of where their lives were heading before deciding if they still wanted to celebrate leaving school.

 

Chronic Pain Complaints on The Rise as Medical Marijuana Legalised

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Doctors are reporting a sharp increase in the number of patients seeking treatment for chronic pain following a landmark ruling legalising medical marijuana.

The ruling by the Therapeutic Goods Administration, which is set to come into effect in November, will allow those suffering from chronic pain to apply for a licence to purchase medical marijuana from all leading retailers. Pre-registration for the licence began this week.

One city-based GP denied the new laws had any relation to the increase in the number of people seeking pain relief. “Sadly, there’s just a lot of pain in the world,” he said. “In fact, I’ve had a bit of a niggling back injury myself… and so has my wife.”

Reactions from the public have been mixed, with one Newtown resident describing the ruling as “a classic case of the government doing too little too late”.

“What a joke. We’ve all moved on from marijuana, it barely treats a headache these days,” he said. “If the government really cared about people in pain, they’d legalise medical oxycodone, fentanyl, and heroin. Marijuana is for kids.”