There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:
1. Drink alcohol at home.
2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.
3. Drink alcohol at the pub.
4. $10 hits on Big Red.
5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.
6. Have an affair.
7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.
8. Worry about going back to work.
9. Drink methylated spirits.
Now get out there and enjoy!
Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.
One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.
“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”
One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.
“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.
The boss of a medium-sized Sydney business has taken the opportunity to deepen his employees’ already dark Sunday sads by sending a group text message reminding them their weekend is drying up.
The deflating message read: Just a reminder your weekend is almost fineto and you’ll be back on my time tomorrow morning. I hope you didn’t waste your days off as I’m going to need you at 120% for the big week ahead. Do get an early night so you’re ready to go bright and early… and please leave what you did on the weekend at the door. Ta.
One employee described his boss as a massive dickhead.
“He’s a massive dickhead,” the man said. “Since he has no mates, family or even a good local hand-job hut, the man just stews at home all weekend hanging for Monday. He’s kind of like a werewolf, except he gets his powers from the fluorescent office lighting rather than the moon.”
Reports say at least two employees are planning to make a mockery of the office toilet tomorrow morning to show their displeasure.
A Sydney man who accomplished nothing over the weekend has woken up early this morning to brainstorm exciting stories to tell people at work when they ask what he got up to.
“I spent the entire weekend home alone boozing, playing video games and eating,” the man said. “People who leave the house make my weekend sound a bit pointless, so I thought I’d go in to work prepared with some fake stories of barbecues and Tinder dates to make me sound relevant. I even fake checked in to a restaurant over the weekend.”
The man isn’t alone, with 90 per cent of people inventing stories about their weekends to make themselves appear more normal and interesting to co-workers, according to a CSIRO study, which found that the entire exercise was based on the misconception that people who ask about colleagues’ weekends actually listen to the response.
“People can prevent weekend-performance anxiety by understanding that nobody cares what you did,” a CSIRO researcher said. “It’s a rhetorical question, like asking someone how their treatment is going.”
A Sydney man this morning has had an embarrassing blunder after he pissed all over his home toilet seat, floor, hand towel, roof, vanity mirror and a bit out the window after forgetting he wasn’t at work.
“I was on autopilot – or maybe it was auto fire,” the man said. “I simply forgot where I was and proceeded to make an absolute mockery of my home toilet as if I was at work. It was lucky I didn’t go all out and unleash an upper decker on myself.”
The woman the man brought home the night before said she wouldn’t be returning.
“I thought he was having a shower by the sound of it all,” she said. “But instead of a towel and a fresh coat of deodorant, the man returned to the bedroom with urine-beaded track pants and a dripping chin. It was time to call the morning a night and leave.”
The gentleman has told the Sydney Sentinel that he’ll be closing the bathroom door and using the toilet at the servo for the weekend while things “naturally dry out, hopefully”.
A Sydney man with three young children is ecstatic to be back at work today after a gruelling long weekend spent with his wife and kids.
“I hate long weekends,” the man said. “Work is a bludge compared to being forced to spend time with your own wife and kids. I often stay back late or just hide at a pub on weeknights so I’m home after everybody has gone to bed.”
The man said coming home late had the added benefit of earning him a little bit of sympathy and respect.
“My wife thinks I’m such a hard worker, when, in reality, I spend most of my work day on the toilet, on Facebook or wondering what I’m meant to be doing,” he said.
The man is just one of the millions of men around Australia silently suffering through life.
Checkpoints will be set up at the entrances to the popular coastal walk between Bondi to Coogee this weekend in a bid to weed out ugly people, sweaty runners and others who might ruin perfect selfie opportunities for beautiful people.
Chloe, a 22-year-old Tamarama local who describes herself as an “entrepreneur/model/beauty blogger”, will be responsible for policing the Bondi entrance to the walk on weekends.
“I’ve worked on the door at all of Sydney’s best clubs, so I really know the sorts of things to look out for,” she said in response to questions about her qualifications for the role. “If a woman isn’t wearing at least one Lululemon item and carrying a turmeric latte, it’s unlikely I’ll let her in.”
India, 19, whose LinkedIn profile describes her as an “entrepreneur/model/DJ”, will be stationed at the Coogee entrance. She described the job as “a fat-free cake walk”.
“The process of natural selection and rise of cheap injectables mean there aren’t a lot of ugly people in the eastern suburbs anyway,” she said, adding that she would simply be pointing “undesirables” towards the less-crowded Coogee to Maroubra walk.