Man Who Bought Distant Relative Instant Scratchie Hoping he Doesn’t Win


A Sydney man who thoughtlessly stuffed a few scratchies into a birthday card to give to a distant relative during Christmas lunch is now really hoping the recipient doesn’t win anything more than $2.

“I’d be fucking spewing if he wins anything good,” the man said. “To think all that cash could’ve been mine, but I gave it away to some bloke I don’t even like. I’m feeling a blood clot forming in my brain from all the worry.”

The man is not alone in feeling the stress of seeing someone he barely cares about win big off a scratchie that could’ve been his.

“I had Christmas spoiled completely one year when my lazy Secret Santa gift resulted in a $10,000 win for the giftee,” one woman said. “And to make things worse, the winner was willing to share, but I simply couldn’t break the sacred bond of secrecy that makes Secret Santa the great tradition it is.”

Insisting her mistake need not be repeated, she recommends the man at the centre of the anxiety storm rips open the envelope and scratches the scratchies himself ‘“just in case”, and gets the distant relative a truckie’s two-piece feed consisting of a pie and a porno from the servo instead.


VIP Lounges Ban Hitting Spin with Schooner Glass and Other Cheats


The NSW Pokies Federation has introduced new laws banning several illegal moves that they say dramatically minimise the need for skill and create an unfair playing lounge.

Moves that will be outlawed from today include hitting the spin button with the edge of your schooner glass, switching bet amounts to reset the odds, and tapping the screen three times with your finger before choosing a suit on a gamble.

“Most players do the right thing when competing, but there’re going to be cheats in every sport,” the chairman for the NSW Pokies Federation said. “Most people don’t know it, but we already have cameras inside pokies to track facial expressions that reveal emotions, so we’ll simply use the cameras to also catch people using performance enhancers like lighting a smoke before initiating a feature.”

Respectable pokie players are shocked and embarrassed that some players have brought shame and controversy to “the nation’s game”.

“I’ve always been proud to tell everyone how much I earned on the pokies, in fact, that’s sometimes all I talk about,” one player said. “But now I’m worried people will think I didn’t put the work in and just cheated.”

Those caught cheating will receive a harsh 15-minute exile in the main bar, with no access to the complimentary mini spring rolls with sweet chilli sauce.

Mobile Pokie Service Uber VIP launches


Uber today announced the launch of Uber VIP, a fleet of customised cars that have had their passenger seats removed and replaced with poker machines.

Uber VIP, which is set to appear as on option on mobile services later this month, will work the same as current Uber services but with the added bonus that passengers will be able to have a flutter en route to wherever they’re going, whether that be a TAB, racetrack or pub lounge.

“Each pokie comes with all the essentials,” an Uber spokesperson said. “Passengers will be able to choose from games such as Where’s the… Gold, More Chilli, 5 Dragons, and of course Australia’s favourite foreigner, the Queen of the Nile.”

A government spokesperson said the move was “long overdue”, claiming “Sydney-siders will now be able to have a night out, on their way out”.

If passengers get carried away and can no longer afford their fare at the end of the ride, the driver will personally escort them to the nearest casino, where they will have the opportunity to win back the fare using their home, jewellery or any other items of value they might possess as a deposit.

If the scheme is successful, the NSW government has pledged to add the VIP service to Sydney’s upcoming light rail network.