A Sydney man is busy planning his 10th career change this month in an effort to find a job that fulfills him. The man, who has worked in 190 different industries since last year, said none of his jobs have been as rewarding as being on the dole or begging on the streets.
“I don’t want a job that feels like work,” the man said. “If I have to spend eight hours in the office doing an hour of work every day, I want to be able to enjoy what I do.”
The man is not alone in his hunt to find a rewarding job.
“We haven’t been able to nominate an employee of the month for two years since nobody has stayed with us for an entire month,” a spokesperson for a major Sydney retailer said. “Young people need to understand that work is horrible and simply learn to use alcohol, opiates, benzos, and hallucinogens as coping mechanisms like the rest of us.”
The comments come as a report revealed an alarming number of Sydney-siders are using a loophole to skip the workforce completely by becoming lifelong students and living with their parents forever.
Sydney’s commercial radio stations this morning have detailed plans to replace all on-air talent with pre-recorded canned laughter.
“Our hosts are the best in the business at laughing at nothing but times are tough for media and we’ve already gotten rid of all the journalists and fact checkers so the hosts were the next logical people to go,” a commercial radio spokesperson said.
“It was also a medical issue. It’s a little-known fact that hosts often need to sticky tape their faces back together after fake laughing so long.”
A research company who conducted blind tests for the new approach said listeners couldn’t tell the difference between the current hosts and canned laughter.
“Sometimes the audience even preferred the canned laughter, as it was more believable,” a researcher said.
The Sydney Sentinel couldn’t find anyone that actually listened to commercial radio to comment.
A Sydney man this morning has had an embarrassing blunder after he pissed all over his home toilet seat, floor, hand towel, roof, vanity mirror and a bit out the window after forgetting he wasn’t at work.
“I was on autopilot – or maybe it was auto fire,” the man said. “I simply forgot where I was and proceeded to make an absolute mockery of my home toilet as if I was at work. It was lucky I didn’t go all out and unleash an upper decker on myself.”
The woman the man brought home the night before said she wouldn’t be returning.
“I thought he was having a shower by the sound of it all,” she said. “But instead of a towel and a fresh coat of deodorant, the man returned to the bedroom with urine-beaded track pants and a dripping chin. It was time to call the morning a night and leave.”
The gentleman has told the Sydney Sentinel that he’ll be closing the bathroom door and using the toilet at the servo for the weekend while things “naturally dry out, hopefully”.
A Sydney man has decided to call stumps on the working week early today to pat himself on the back for managing to go a whole week at work without doing any work.
The man said that he’s physically and mentally exhausted from doing such a good job of doing nothing, that he’ll need to consume the entire national recommendation of 400 standard drinks or so this afternoon to take the edge off.
“Sometimes it feels like it would have been easier to do the work I was meant to do,” the man told The Sydney Sentinel. “But achieving nothing is much more rewarding.”
The man said he has to carefully plan out his days early lining up comedy podcasts, scheduling long toilet breaks in advance and even taking up smoking to fill the time.
“Everybody knows that the weekend voids all work that was meant to be done the week before,” the man said. “If you can make it to Friday you’re golden. As then you can delay stuff to Monday – where technically the work week resets – so the work you were meant to do expires.”
The man added that he might even need to take an allocated sick day on Monday to recover fully.
A Sydney worker today has suffered a massive heart attack after quickening his step to get through a door being held open by a colleague.
The man who is in a serious yet stable condition at Maroubra Hospital has told the Sydney Sentinel that he didn’t want to be rude, even though he knew that exercise such as “walking a bit faster than usual” was hazardous to his health.
“Politeness kills,” the large man said from his hospital beds. “And to tell you the truth, my colleague was being so polite he was bordering on rude. I was about 50 metres from the door, so there was no way I was going to make it without things turning awkward unless I ran.”
A government Workplace Health and Safety spokesperson said the general rule for holding a door open for someone was 5 metres, or 500 metres if they’re hot.
“The rules are meant to be used as a guide only,” the spokesperson said. “The man who suffered the heart attack was 700 kilogrammes and was known to have several heart attacks every day. The worker who held the door open should be fired or sent to jail for being so cruel.”
The man has said he will sue the workplace for millions as soon as he thinks up something good to sue them for.
Workplaces across Sydney are set to help struggling graduates get a job by hiring them as lifelong volunteers after seeing the success other businesses like major sporting events or comic cons have had with unpaid staff.
A spokesperson for the Fair Work Commission has branded the idea a no-brainer.
“You’re meant to enjoy work,” the spokesman said. “So why would you be expected to be paid for something that you enjoy? Working for free ensures staff want to be there unlike greedy paid staff who are only in it for the money. Plus, with no overheads, companies will be able to relieve taxpayers from the burden of government handouts by hiring thousands of people to do their bidding.”
Many graduates who have managed to score a job through traditional means like family contacts or sexual favours have said their small salary feels like they are volunteers anyway, so they would be happy to make it official.
“I graduated from medicine and now make coffees and hotdogs for the doctors at my local medical clinic 700 kilometres from my parents’ home,” a recent graduate said. “I feel if they didn’t have to bother with paying me, I might get a shot at actually treating a patient. Or at least feeding the fish in reception.”
“Things are competitive in the wild, and many employers are only looking for one candidate,” another unemployed 2009 engineer graduate said. “If they didn’t have to pay us they could hire hundreds of people to mop the floors or pick up rubbish about the place. We’d be guaranteed a job.”
Those calling the new initiative slave labour have been jailed for treason.