The Age of Entitlement Returns Exclusively for Politicians

HOCKEY

The Australian government has announced that the “age of entitlement” then-treasurer Joe Hockey declared over in 2012 is back exclusively for its staff, with every member of parliament set to receive a salary increase in the thousands plus simultaneous tax cuts.

Politicians have justified the entitlements, which come amid historically low wages growth nationwide, as “a necessary step” to tackle rampant bribery and corruption allegations.

“This is really in the public’s best interest,” one insider said. “If my pay rise means I can take just one less bribe next year, everyone wins.”

Malcolm Turnbull, who already has a vast museum dedicated to his private money collection, said he’ll invest the extra cash into trying to get the NBN to at least work for at least 10 of his houses.

Hockey, who is now Ambassador of Australia to the United States, said the higher salaries won’t lead to MPs becoming out of touch and that he stood by previous statements regarding poor people not driving and young people who want to break into the property market simply needing to get a better job.

“It was my job to offer pithy insights like this to the Australian public,” he said. “That’s why they paid me the big bucks.”

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Sydney Man Sues Employer for Unfair Un-dismissal

OFFICE

A Sydney man has told The Sydney Sentinel today that he will be suing his workplace for unfair un-dismissal after his boss forced him to stay in the office and do work on Friday afternoon, instead of dismissing him to the local watering hole to down schooners of Baileys, have a slap and hit on the barmaid.

“It’s just not Australian,” said the office worker at the centre of it all. “Everybody knows the working week finishes at Friday 12PM to give us battlers a chance to obliterate ourselves before facing the wife, mistress and kids.”

A union spokesperson has expressed his outrage. “His boss should be hung from his necktie for a few hours,” said the spokesperson. “I’d even argue that the working week finishes at 5PM Thursday, with Friday being a day of recovery and retox… so this poor bloke deserves every million he gets.”

The hospital where the man works as a brain surgeon has acknowledged the bungle.

“To attempt to make up for this PR nightmare, we will be introducing a medical marijuana trolley each Friday at 12PM for all our staff.”

Byron Bay Locals Rise Before 9AM to Thank Workers for Funding Their Lifestyle

HIPPIE

Byron Bay locals got out of bed before 9AM today to thank those in Sydney who have worked all year and paid taxes to help fund their Centrelink payments.

Some put on a dazzling show of fire twilling on their surfboards while others told The Sydney Sentinel they were “having a big smoke for those in the big smoke” in a public display of thanks in the lead up to the end of the financial year.

“These suited people die a little bit inside each and every day for us,” said one long-haired hippie, adding that had tried working once, appearing as a long-haired hippie on Russell Coight’s All Aussie Adventures, before deciding it wasn’t for him.

“You couldn’t pay me to go to work again, not even with money.”

Paramedics were on hand treating people with minor bongo-hand cramps, dandy soy latte overdoses and exhaustion from the early start.

A second day of solidarity with Sydney workers was planned but has been called off after a poor showing this morning when more than 90 per cent of Byron Bay locals called in sick.

Channel Ten Introduces Controversial New Show The Bachelor (of Arts)

Bachelor

The first season of The Bachelor (of Arts), a spinoff from popular Channel Ten show The Bachelor, has raised eyebrows after it was revealed none of the contestants managed to catch the eye of the single employer whose attention they were competing for.

Controversy has surrounded The Bachelor (of Arts) ahead of its upcoming launch, after leaked documents emerged showing that the eligible employer at the centre of the show had “decided to go in another direction and make the role redundant rather than employ any of the halfwits who had applied”.

Promotional materials describe the show, which pits 24 recent Bachelor of Arts graduates against one another to win the love, affection and security of one employer, as much like the network’s traditional The Bachelorprograms, except that the contestants are “far more desperate”.

Each episode sees the employer test the graduates’ skills through challenges such as stapling, sending an email and gossiping in the kitchen with a biscuit.

A Channel Ten spokesperson said the show was worth watching, even though none of the contestants had found a lifelong career.

“The intrigue surrounding what Bachelor of Arts students are actually good at has been one of the great mysteries of our time,” the spokesperson said. “In this almost-too-close-to-reality show, we dig deep and discover very little. It’s an amazing journey.”

All 24 former contestants are now working in cafes or bars while working on the next great Australian novel.

Uni Students Protest That They Have no Time for Class Due to Protesting

COKE POSTER FB

University students have today held a nationwide protest about having no time to study or attend lectures due to their relentless protesting schedule.

A typical daily protest schedule for a university student involves approximately eight marches, flag burnings or yelling loudly at people nearby, for causes ranging from the removal of bindis on a remote soccer field in Africa to something about gender no one quite understands.

One university student, who called himself a non-violent warlord for peace, revealed he spent more than $10,000 of his parents’ money on paint for his protest-sign slogans alone.

“Having to balance protesting and university is an impossible task,” he said. “We shouldn’t be put under so much pressure when we’re making such a huge difference to the world. It’s particularly hard for those who also have to work to pay their own way through uni – and that’s why we have a protest shaming poor parents scheduled next week.”

So far, none of the protests have been successful.

Horror Start for Monday Morning as Boss Joins Man at Urinal

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A lowly CBD office worker has had the worst start possible to the working week he’d been dreading since awakening at 2pm Sunday afternoon, when his boss struck up a conversation while using an adjacent urinal first thing Monday morning.

“It was agony,” the victim said. “Our office urinals don’t even have those little trough-mist shields between stations, so stage fright kicked in the moment I was hit with steaming wee shrapnel – and things never resumed.”

The fact that there were plenty of free urinals that weren’t directly next to the victim made it particularly uncomfortable, the man said.

“He chose to use the one right next to me and say crude things about the women in the office. One of those women is my wife and if what he said was true, I’ll be asking for the same service when we get home.”

The standoff was said to last seven minutes as the office worker tried everything to squeeze out even just a few drops as his boss watched on.

The man plans to abandon the urinal all together and use the privacy of a fully enclosed poo cubical from now on.

Man Can’t Wait for Refugee to Take His Rubbish Job

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One Sydney man can’t wait for a refugee, migrant, boat person or illegal alien to come and take his rubbish office job in Macquarie Fields Business Park.

The man said the business park contained a lot more “business” and hardly any “park” activities, warning that the complex’s deceptive name cunningly combines something horrible with something enjoyable in an attempt to trick people into going there.

“People seem to be really worried about refugees taking our jobs, but I have no idea what they’re on about, working is dreadful,” Stewie said.