Light Rail workers depressed about going back to work as project wraps up

Depression has kicked in for Sydney Light Rail workers as the multi-billion dollar project comes to an end after 22 years.

“I can’t even remember what my job was,” one tradie said. “But luckily I haven’t forgotten how to build a solid compo claim.”

Another worker slammed his peers for being so lazy.

“These men and women who sat around doing nothing the whole time only have themselves to blame,” the man said. “I put in the hard work and studied medicine on the job, so I’m looking forward to my future as an orthopaedic surgeon.”

A government spokesperson called for cooler heads, saying they have plenty more projects to keep workers busy doing nothing to help build projects vital to please their mates who own construction companies.

Sydney Sentinel’s Guide to Enjoying the Rest of Your Holidays

There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:

1. Drink alcohol at home.

2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.

3. Drink alcohol at the pub.

4. $10 hits on Big Red.

5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.

6. Have an affair.

7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.

8. Worry about going back to work.

9. Drink methylated spirits.

10. Depression.

Now get out there and enjoy!

Workers Return from Holidays Feeling Refreshed Hatred for their Jobs

Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.

One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.

“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”

One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.

“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.

Nervous Start to Christmas Party as Colleagues Wonder who has Cocaine

WhiteXmas

It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas.

One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about.

“I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port before the event even started to sand down the corners a bit,” he said. “I started with joking-yet-deadly-serious quips about whose nose was thirsty, but I ended up just straight out asking ‘do you have some cocaine for me to smell with my nose?’.”

Staffers who came packing bagged heat said the tension was even worse for them.

“About 12 people followed every time I went to the bathroom attempting to get a nose bite,” one man said. “It was like when the fish are on, and you have to hide behind a rock to bait your hook.”

Management of the company said it would try to avoid the tension next year by bumping the Kris Kringle limit to $300 and hoping everyone gets the idea of what to buy each other.

Pest Can’t Stop Telling Everyone he’s only Betting $2

SmugPest

Trying to prove himself smarter than everyone else, a local Sydney man can’t stop telling everyone he has only bet $2 on the Melbourne Cup this year “for a bit a harmless fun”.

No one is quite sure why the man is so proud of placing the kind of bet your nana used to put on for you when you were at school.

“This reverse humble brag technique he’s going for makes him simply unrelatable,” one man said. “Most Australians have taken out Nimble loans for this special day that are so substantial we’ll have to hit the road and live in Asia for a few years if we don’t win.”

People who have had to endure previous Melbourne Cup events with the man said he still gets very stressed out during the race.

“He’s sweats bullets during the race,” one man said. “But unlike the rest of us, he’s praying his horse doesn’t win, so he doesn’t feel like an idiot for only punting $2. It’s no way to live.”

The man is also telling everyone that he will only be drinking sparkling water to celebrate the day’s festivities and won’t have a party pie as he brought a salad in from home.

Melbourne Cup: Ignore Boss Saying to Forget Work and Have Fun Today

The government has issued a scam warning today cautioning workers across Australia to ignore bosses who tell them to enjoy the Melbourne Cup and not worry about doing any work this afternoon.

Unfortunately, it has been confirmed that this is a known scam and your boss will still demand the work you were meant to be doing first thing tomorrow morning in a hangover-induced rage, between shouting contradictory catchphrases like “work doesn’t stop for the Melbourne Cup, pal”.

A Sydney man said he fell for this scam last year.

“When I arrived at work on Tuesday my boss gave me 20 or so jobs due the next morning,” the man said.

“So, I was going to spend the afternoon in the office until my boss strolled in after a liquid lunch, called me Un-Australian, and to immediately join him at the pub. H­e even informed me that he’d already put $350 on his own nose.”

“But first thing the next morning he demanded the work, even though he knew I was hanging with him in the bathroom and sometimes the pub for the whole afternoon.”

The man was swiftly fired.

Boss Sends Text Reminding Everyone the Weekend is Almost Over

DickheadBoss

The boss of a medium-sized Sydney business has taken the opportunity to deepen his employees’ already dark Sunday sads by sending a group text message reminding them their weekend is drying up.

The deflating message read: Just a reminder your weekend is almost fineto and you’ll be back on my time tomorrow morning. I hope you didn’t waste your days off as I’m going to need you at 120% for the big week ahead. Do get an early night so you’re ready to go bright and early… and please leave what you did on the weekend at the door. Ta.

One employee described his boss as a massive dickhead.

“He’s a massive dickhead,” the man said. “Since he has no mates, family or even a good local hand-job hut, the man just stews at home all weekend hanging for Monday. He’s kind of like a werewolf, except he gets his powers from the fluorescent office lighting rather than the moon.”

Reports say at least two employees are planning to make a mockery of the office toilet tomorrow morning to show their displeasure.