A new study has shown that switching your morning coffee to chamomile tea decreases your motivation dramatically and helps you cruise through the work day easier.
One advertising account manager said she felt the benefits instantly.
“I used to reach for a coffee first thing in the morning to help shake off the existential dread I felt about going to work, but I had it all wrong,” she said. “By switching to chamomile tea my care factor remains low and I can have a successful day being unproductive. Yesterday I had a snooze in the disabled dunny.”
Another worker who had also made the switch said it helps him prioritise what’s important in life.
“Stuff being wide awake on work’s time,” the surgeon said. “Now I have a coffee at about 5pm and by the time I get home I’m ready to play PUBG all night. My kill-death ratio has gone way up on both fronts.”
Local pubs are cashing in on the trend to stay demotivated during work hours by moving their happy hours to the morning.
A Sydney man who accomplished nothing over the weekend has woken up early this morning to brainstorm exciting stories to tell people at work when they ask what he got up to.
“I spent the entire weekend home alone boozing, playing video games and eating,” the man said. “People who leave the house make my weekend sound a bit pointless, so I thought I’d go in to work prepared with some fake stories of barbecues and Tinder dates to make me sound relevant. I even fake checked in to a restaurant over the weekend.”
The man isn’t alone, with 90 per cent of people inventing stories about their weekends to make themselves appear more normal and interesting to co-workers, according to a CSIRO study, which found that the entire exercise was based on the misconception that people who ask about colleagues’ weekends actually listen to the response.
“People can prevent weekend-performance anxiety by understanding that nobody cares what you did,” a CSIRO researcher said. “It’s a rhetorical question, like asking someone how their treatment is going.”
A Sydney man is busy planning his 10th career change this month in an effort to find a job that fulfills him. The man, who has worked in 190 different industries since last year, said none of his jobs have been as rewarding as being on the dole or begging on the streets.
“I don’t want a job that feels like work,” the man said. “If I have to spend eight hours in the office doing an hour of work every day, I want to be able to enjoy what I do.”
The man is not alone in his hunt to find a rewarding job.
“We haven’t been able to nominate an employee of the month for two years since nobody has stayed with us for an entire month,” a spokesperson for a major Sydney retailer said. “Young people need to understand that work is horrible and simply learn to use alcohol, opiates, benzos, and hallucinogens as coping mechanisms like the rest of us.”
The comments come as a report revealed an alarming number of Sydney-siders are using a loophole to skip the workforce completely by becoming lifelong students and living with their parents forever.
Sydney’s commercial radio stations this morning have detailed plans to replace all on-air talent with pre-recorded canned laughter.
“Our hosts are the best in the business at laughing at nothing but times are tough for media and we’ve already gotten rid of all the journalists and fact checkers so the hosts were the next logical people to go,” a commercial radio spokesperson said.
“It was also a medical issue. It’s a little-known fact that hosts often need to sticky tape their faces back together after fake laughing so long.”
A research company who conducted blind tests for the new approach said listeners couldn’t tell the difference between the current hosts and canned laughter.
“Sometimes the audience even preferred the canned laughter, as it was more believable,” a researcher said.
The Sydney Sentinel couldn’t find anyone that actually listened to commercial radio to comment.
A Sydney man this morning has had an embarrassing blunder after he pissed all over his home toilet seat, floor, hand towel, roof, vanity mirror and a bit out the window after forgetting he wasn’t at work.
“I was on autopilot – or maybe it was auto fire,” the man said. “I simply forgot where I was and proceeded to make an absolute mockery of my home toilet as if I was at work. It was lucky I didn’t go all out and unleash an upper decker on myself.”
The woman the man brought home the night before said she wouldn’t be returning.
“I thought he was having a shower by the sound of it all,” she said. “But instead of a towel and a fresh coat of deodorant, the man returned to the bedroom with urine-beaded track pants and a dripping chin. It was time to call the morning a night and leave.”
The gentleman has told the Sydney Sentinel that he’ll be closing the bathroom door and using the toilet at the servo for the weekend while things “naturally dry out, hopefully”.
A Sydney man has decided to call stumps on the working week early today to pat himself on the back for managing to go a whole week at work without doing any work.
The man said that he’s physically and mentally exhausted from doing such a good job of doing nothing, that he’ll need to consume the entire national recommendation of 400 standard drinks or so this afternoon to take the edge off.
“Sometimes it feels like it would have been easier to do the work I was meant to do,” the man told The Sydney Sentinel. “But achieving nothing is much more rewarding.”
The man said he has to carefully plan out his days early lining up comedy podcasts, scheduling long toilet breaks in advance and even taking up smoking to fill the time.
“Everybody knows that the weekend voids all work that was meant to be done the week before,” the man said. “If you can make it to Friday you’re golden. As then you can delay stuff to Monday – where technically the work week resets – so the work you were meant to do expires.”
The man added that he might even need to take an allocated sick day on Monday to recover fully.