Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.
One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.
“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”
One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.
“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.
It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas.
One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about.
“I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port before the event even started to sand down the corners a bit,” he said. “I started with joking-yet-deadly-serious quips about whose nose was thirsty, but I ended up just straight out asking ‘do you have some cocaine for me to smell with my nose?’.”
Staffers who came packing bagged heat said the tension was even worse for them.
“About 12 people followed every time I went to the bathroom attempting to get a nose bite,” one man said. “It was like when the fish are on, and you have to hide behind a rock to bait your hook.”
Management of the company said it would try to avoid the tension next year by bumping the Kris Kringle limit to $300 and hoping everyone gets the idea of what to buy each other.
Trying to prove himself smarter than everyone else, a local Sydney man can’t stop telling everyone he has only bet $2 on the Melbourne Cup this year “for a bit a harmless fun”.
No one is quite sure why the man is so proud of placing the kind of bet your nana used to put on for you when you were at school.
“This reverse humble brag technique he’s going for makes him simply unrelatable,” one man said. “Most Australians have taken out Nimble loans for this special day that are so substantial we’ll have to hit the road and live in Asia for a few years if we don’t win.”
People who have had to endure previous Melbourne Cup events with the man said he still gets very stressed out during the race.
“He’s sweats bullets during the race,” one man said. “But unlike the rest of us, he’s praying his horse doesn’t win, so he doesn’t feel like an idiot for only punting $2. It’s no way to live.”
The man is also telling everyone that he will only be drinking sparkling water to celebrate the day’s festivities and won’t have a party pie as he brought a salad in from home.
The CSIRO has issued a scam warning today cautioning workers across Australia to ignore bosses who tell them to enjoy the Melbourne Cup and not worry about doing any work this afternoon.
Unfortunately, it has been confirmed that this is a known scam and your boss will still demand the work first thing tomorrow morning in a hangover-induced rage, between shouting contradictory catchphrases like “work doesn’t stop for the Melbourne Cup, pal”.
A Sydney advertising creative said she fell for this scam last year.
“Account services gave me 20 or so urgent briefs due the next morning before they clocked off for a boozy Cup lunch,” the woman said. “So, I was going to spend the afternoon in the office with the rest of the creative team, but then my creative director strolled in after a few schoonerccinos calling me un-Australian and telling me to come and get loose at the pub. He even informed me that he’d already put $350 on his own nose.”
“But first thing the next morning he demanded the work, even though he knew I was hanging with him in the bathroom and sometimes the pub for the whole afternoon. I probably would’ve been fired if the entire account service team hadn’t had a sick day and pushed back all the deadlines.”
The boss of a medium-sized Sydney business has taken the opportunity to deepen his employees’ already dark Sunday sads by sending a group text message reminding them their weekend is drying up.
The deflating message read: Just a reminder your weekend is almost fineto and you’ll be back on my time tomorrow morning. I hope you didn’t waste your days off as I’m going to need you at 120% for the big week ahead. Do get an early night so you’re ready to go bright and early… and please leave what you did on the weekend at the door. Ta.
One employee described his boss as a massive dickhead.
“He’s a massive dickhead,” the man said. “Since he has no mates, family or even a good local hand-job hut, the man just stews at home all weekend hanging for Monday. He’s kind of like a werewolf, except he gets his powers from the fluorescent office lighting rather than the moon.”
Reports say at least two employees are planning to make a mockery of the office toilet tomorrow morning to show their displeasure.
A new study has shown that switching your morning coffee to chamomile tea decreases your motivation dramatically and helps you cruise through the work day easier.
One advertising account manager said she felt the benefits instantly.
“I used to reach for a coffee first thing in the morning to help shake off the existential dread I felt about going to work, but I had it all wrong,” she said. “By switching to chamomile tea my care factor remains low and I can have a successful day being unproductive. Yesterday I had a snooze in the disabled dunny.”
Another worker who had also made the switch said it helps him prioritise what’s important in life.
“Stuff being wide awake on work’s time,” the surgeon said. “Now I have a coffee at about 5pm and by the time I get home I’m ready to play PUBG all night. My kill-death ratio has gone way up on both fronts.”
Local pubs are cashing in on the trend to stay demotivated during work hours by moving their happy hours to the morning.
A Sydney man who accomplished nothing over the weekend has woken up early this morning to brainstorm exciting stories to tell people at work when they ask what he got up to.
“I spent the entire weekend home alone boozing, playing video games and eating,” the man said. “People who leave the house make my weekend sound a bit pointless, so I thought I’d go in to work prepared with some fake stories of barbecues and Tinder dates to make me sound relevant. I even fake checked in to a restaurant over the weekend.”
The man isn’t alone, with 90 per cent of people inventing stories about their weekends to make themselves appear more normal and interesting to co-workers, according to a CSIRO study, which found that the entire exercise was based on the misconception that people who ask about colleagues’ weekends actually listen to the response.
“People can prevent weekend-performance anxiety by understanding that nobody cares what you did,” a CSIRO researcher said. “It’s a rhetorical question, like asking someone how their treatment is going.”