The left has made a dramatic shift in who they support in the same-sex marriage plebiscite today, after a poll revealed that no voters are a minority group, which automatically qualifies them for complete backing from the left.
A spokesperson for the left said determining who to champion and who to destroy is fluid and changes daily.
“There are many times a minority group doesn’t completely think the way we want them to and things get tricky,” the spokesperson said. “For groups we both love and hate at the same time we split things into shifts and burn down their houses in the morning, then create a GetUp! fundraiser in the afternoon to help them rebuild from the awful destruction we caused.”
One gay man who will actually be affected by the outcome said it’s fucked.
“People have turned a basic and easy question into a brain-meltingly complex decision, that’s almost as hard as choosing a favourite between ‘Stone Cold Steve Austin’ or ‘The Rock’,” he said.
An Erskineville local wearing several “Love is Love” badges on her cloth backpack, in fact hates everybody, it has been confirmed today.
One gay man said the woman recently responded to a friendly head nod from him with a swift headbutt.
“She said I wasn’t gay enough because I wasn’t writing ‘yes’ on the ground with chalk at that very moment,” the man said. “She ranted that I was only a very small step above a death-deserving cis-male.”
An Aboriginal man said she wasn’t a fan of him either, despite the fact she was wearing an Aboriginal flag T-shirt.
“She told me I was a race traitor as I was eating a white-bread sandwich,” the man said. “She also demanded I thanked her for repeatedly acknowledging me as the traditional landowner before everything she said.”
The woman said she was so angry with the world because she was born white, privileged and heterosexual, and the only thing that gives her any hope is that she wasn’t born a man.
The cost of the same-sex marriage postal vote, which was originally estimated to cost tax payers $122m, has more than doubled to $250m, after the government decided to throw a postal sausage sizzle into the mix.
“We realised that the vote wouldn’t be legally binding in Australia without a sausage sizzle,” a government spokesperson said. “So, we will be sending every person enrolled to vote a snag folded inside buttered white bread with sauce and onions.”
The move has been welcomed despite the cost, with many noting that a sausage sanga is usually the only good that comes of voting.
“This is the least they could do to thank the public for making a decision they too scared to make in parliament,” one voter said. “Although, knowing Australia Post, I bet my snag will be colder than a witch’s tit.”
A self-described “rainbow warrior” who proudly tells anyone who’ll listen that she has “a lot of gay friends”, has announced she’ll be voting against same-sex marriage in the postal plebiscite, after being convinced by the “vote no” skywriting in Sydney today.
“No amount of reasoned arguing could change my mind but something about seeing it written in the sky several times really got to me,” she said, adding that the entirety of her aggressive yes-campaign protest group was now in the process of updating signs and chants in preparation for agitating for a “no” vote.
However, a poll has shown that the sky writing stunt, which cost millions of dollars, will make no difference to the outcome of the vote, with an equal number of people who had been planning to vote no reporting that they were now switching to a yes vote because they were “sick of being told what to do”.
The number of people coming out as homophobic has spiked dramatically ahead of the upcoming plebiscite on marriage equality, a support group has reported, warning that it is a dangerous time for the HBRXAS (homophobic, bigoted, racist, xenophobic, ageist, sexist) community.
“Both my dads disowned me when I told them I was homophobic and will be voting no,” one woman said. “I would’ve thought they’d be more supportive of my choices after all the discrimination they’ve faced themselves.”
However, others have described the process of coming out as “liberating”.
“I was nervous to come out to my family because I wasn’t sure they’d accept me, so it was a relief to discover I come from a long line of closeted homophobes,” one man said. “I’ve known I was homophobic since primary school, when I was calling kids who liked music fags and beating up any boy who lingered on a handshake too long, but it’s something I learned to push down and reduce to the occasional ‘sissy’ or ‘poof’ comment among select company, so I’m glad I can finally embrace my true political orientation and stop pretending to be something I’m not.”
When asked if he would like to add any further comments, the man said: “For the record, I’m definitely not gay myself.”